Move over DotFest, STARfest, HawkFest and Mancow’s Lazer Luau, the new go-to concert festival of the summer is the first ever MossFest.

I came up with the idea a few weeks ago when everybody and their grandma was announcing a localized Lollapalooza in honor of the now defunct summer concert creation.

So maybe I don’t have a radio station to back MossFest, but hell, I’ve got two hours of KURE air time and two pages of the Daily everyday to promote it.

And how difficult can promotion be when your feature performer is a media whore?

Of course, Vanilla Ice will be headlining the first ever MossFest, but don’t think there won’t be something there for everyone.

Opening the show will be the debut of The Flaming Lips Experiment From Hell, which will include a 40-boom-box orchestra playing eight different versions of “She Don’t Use Jelly,” with each member beginning the song at different times.

For additional effect, that band has requested that we move the crowd into a six foot by six foot room and use the same sound system used at Rock Veishea.

MossFest will also have a local flavor, with Medulla Imbruglia and 35″ Mother making sporadic appearances on the main stage.

Adding a little Lilith flare to the line-up will be Australian songstress Natalie Oblongatta and ancient rap goddesses J.J. Fad, who tubthumped the early ’90s with the hit single “Supersonic.” (“We’re J.J. Fad and we’re here to rock …”)

Punk history will be made at MossFest as Joey and Donnie (or is it Danny?) Ramone will embark on their 10th farewell tour. Putting an unusual twist to their show, The Ramones have promised to begin their songs with something other than “1 — 2 — 3 — 4 …”

MossFest will also host George Michael’s first American performance since his arrest in a public restroom a few weeks ago. Michael will showcase his new material as well such classics as “Faith” and “I Want My Sex.”

With the New Kids On The Block denying an invitation to reunite, MossFest will make up for it with an appearance by KCCQ favorites The Blackstreet Boys.

An all-star band of other Top 40 here-today-gone-tomorrows (Savage Garden, All Saints, etc.) will also perform, under the name The Indisposable Heroes of Mediocrity.

Taking stage just before Vanilla will be Milli (not to be confused with Hollywood hottie Milla) who will pay tribute to former lipsync partner Vanilli (not to be confused with Vanilla, whose full name is proceeded by Ice), who died of a drug overdose few weeks ago,

The Flaming Lips Experiment From Hell will also pay tribute to Vanilli by simultaneously playing “Blame It On The Rain” through 40 boom-boxes. So basically, the song will be much like a Milli Vanilli concert.

Unlike the other summer festivals, MossFest will not be held at the Ankeny Airfield, but at the actual Des Moines airport.

This will cut down on the costs of driving bands to and from the airport and will provide sound effects to the production of the show, especially with The Flaming Lips Experiment From Hell.

Admission to MossFest will be one package of ramen noodles, which will contribute to the Starving College Students of America fund, and a suggested $100 donation to the Fly a College Student of America to Tahiti fund.

In case of rain, bring sandbags.

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Corey Moss is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.