My computer printer is possessed. Someone, or something, keeps trying to send me messages. Can anyone translate “[[[ZZXX_[xXXXXXXXXX]y{z{?”

Even now, in broad daylight, I tend to avoid eye contact with my printer. Its single, blinking, green eye is dark, for now. The wide, black mouth with dangerous rolling parts gapes open in a sneer. I always thought “Ghostbusters” was a little farfetched, but now I’m afraid I may have the perfect candidate for an episode. Any minute, the printer could start oozing green goo or suck my hand into the paper feed. I keep my distance.

The sinister messages seem to surface during communication failures between my computer and the printer. You see, my dinky little laptop (I say dinky in the most affectionate sense of the word) has only one port for both the disk drive and the printer. Therefore, if I am trying to print something from the disk, I have to save the document, then press the print button and quickly switch the cords. Sometimes I forget to switch cords, or I am tardy with the switch. The printer eye invariably turns a sickly yellow as the demon seizes the opportunity to send me harassing messages.

Although I try to turn the printer off as soon as possible when it begins spitting out such perverse text, I have accumulated significant evidence. What do you make of the words “TTTT,” “LL||%” and “eAK(black block)?aLLLo(block)|,(block)|L?” Most of the messages include characters that I can’t find on the keyboard or under the “Insert Symbols” menu. That makes me think that an outside entity is definitely the source.

The messages almost look mathematical, which scares me. Perhaps someone/thing is attempting to punish me for misleading others about my mathematical abilities. Ever since a prospective employer asked me if I am any good at math, my conscience has been heavy. I answered, truthfully, that I had passed calc I. Of course, anyone who has ever taken calc knows that that means nothing. Just because I managed to get partial credit on a few tests by following a formula does not mean that I can calculate the number of words needed to fill a white space.

Now, computer “experts” will tell you that the printer phenomena I witness in horror are not so unusual. They will say that printers often malfunction when they do not receive a printing message on time. They will try to make you believe that the deviant behavior of my printer is actually my fault; that everything would work perfectly if I would just save to the hard drive before I print. They might even suggest that I am paranoid or delusional. Do not be fooled.

I know what happens with such denial. A few years ago, doctors refused to believe that my father had an infection in his knee, and he almost died. Do you want to contribute to my death? (You don’t necessarily have to answer that question.) You must believe me and take action.

I don’t doubt that many others share my experience. However, just because it happens to lots of people, does that mean it is okay? Absolutely not. Sure, a printer is the perfect candidate for fiendish behavior. Demons have been searching for the best mode of communication since it was proven that subliminal messages on TV don’t work.

Dead week (gulp!) is not a good time for computer printers to malfunction. It would be typical of demons, however, to choose this week to stage a fit. If they don’t sabotage my final papers, yours could be targeted.

Now, don’t panic. Do not turn your head. Do not give in to your printer’s devilish grin. Look it in the face. Get out the supersoaker “Ghostbusters” water gun if it makes you feel better. We can fight this thing together.

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Catherine Conover is a senior in liberal studies from Mapleton.