Hello readers, Benjamin Studenski here. Unfortunately, I am once again unable to write my column.

Even worse, my normal guest-columnist, Lorena Chavez of the Outraged Student Organization, isn’t available. She has started a new business that sells environmentally-friendly red paint to campus protest groups around the country. She is doing well with her slogan, “splatter the fascists while saving the Earth.” I wish her the best.

I was able to find a replacement, however. His name is Dr. Chester Croakengoober, and you are now in his capable hands.

I was taken greatly by surprise when a strikingly good-looking ISU Daily columnist asked if I would write a column for your student newspaper. I was in a traffic jam in downtown Des Moines and was watching hundreds of young people lined up on the sidewalk showing little squares of newspaper to each other and laughing. Mr. Studenski, who wore a T-shirt with the words “tyrant in training” on the front, walked up and asked me to do him this favor.

Since ISU plans to build a multicultural center, that seems to be a logical topic to address. Building a multiculturalism treatment center sounds like a very exciting project. Having seen drug-abuse treatment centers and so forth, it is nice to see that those suffering from Multicultural Affective Disorder, or “MAD,” can now have a modern facility to help them.

By an amazing coincidence, my area of specialization as a doctor is treating “MAD.” With continued treatment, those suffering from this disorder can live normal lives. What follows are some before and after cases of individuals I have helped.

This is Leonard Jeffries (Afro-American Studies professor and proponent of multiculturalism) before treatment: “One reason why whites have perpetrated so many crimes and atrocities is that the Ice Age caused the deformation of white genes, while black genes were enhanced by the value-system of the sun.” (Source: “Illiberal Education,” by Dsouza)

This is Leonard Jeffries after treatment: “I was completely wrong, and the students in my class deserve a full refund of their tuition.” (Source: The Secret Files of Dr. Croakengoober)

Brandeis University Women’s Studies professor Becky Thompson stated before treatment: “I begin the course with the basic feminist principle that in a racist, classist and sexist society, we have all swallowed oppressive ways of being … this means it is not open for debate whether a white student is racist or a male student is sexist. He/she simply is.” (Source: Dsouza)

This is Ms. Thompson after treatment: “Many students have views that differ from mine. I’m here to teach a subject, not convert you. It is OK to disagree with me in this classroom.” (Source: Croakengoober)

As you see, the progress is incredible! Here is yet another “MAD” sufferer before treatment. Director of Residence at Ohio State University Rebecca Parker said that separatist institutions, such as special dorms for black students, “need to be seen as a celebration of our differences.” (Dsouza) After I treated her, she said, “Color-blindness is the best approach, and students should not be separated by a university based on race.”

Even students get afflicted with “MAD.” They may say, “Multiculturalism simply means not discriminating against ethnic groups, and criticizing multiculturalism shows that you are a racist and a fascist!”

However, after treatment they realize that culture and ethnicity are not the same thing. They also realize that if an ideology becomes immune from criticism, abuses of power and reductions of freedom will soon follow. This has happened time and time again with the ideology of multiculturalism, and it is reasonable for students to be concerned about it. Especially at schools where multicultural programs are quickly expanding.

I am fully in favor of your efforts at ISU to build a multicultural center for “MAD” people. I would suggest locating it in your student health services building to save money on equipment and staffing. I would like to advise you more on your brave new multicultural center, but I have to get back on the road. I have patients waiting for me in Iowa City.

Benjamin Studenski is a junior in industrial engineering from Hastings, Minn.