The recent return of cold weather has obviously affected Ron DeMarse’s mind. Since we Minnesotans are made of sterner stuff, my mind remains clear, so I will dispel some of the ramblings that his cold-numbed brain put in his March 3 column.

First of all, no one who lives in the same state as Lake Laverne should comment on the quality of another state’s lakes. We have many bodies of water the size of Lake Laverne in Minnesota — we call them birdbaths.

Secondly, while Minnesota place names may be long and confusing, at least we pronounce them correctly. Madrid? Nevada? What Cheer?

The “primitive northern region” that Mr. DeMarse visited must be the Colony of Lost Iowans in northern Minnesota. This sad group was once a busload of Iowans headed for the Mall of America that missed the turn onto Oatmeal Toaster Purple Lake Road and wandered for days. No city in Minnesota wanted to take them in, so we put them on their own reservation on the Canadian border.

Or Mr. DeMarse could have been confused and was actually in southern Iowa, where the men are men and the sheep are scared.

I know you are wondering, “If he dislikes Iowa so much, why is he here?” My answer is this: I was kidnapped by militant hog farmers and brought to Ames. Now I am studying to be an engineer so I can get a job and earn enough money to go home.

Oh, by the way, the biggest ball of twine in the galaxy is in Minnesota too, and don’t you forget it.

Kris Wiech

Senior

Computer engineering