So what if I have only been 21 for a week — I still consider myself an expert on the bar scene in this town. (How could you not after pounding your first shot at The Whiskey River?)

And after a few days of extensive legal research, I have come to the conclusion that Ames needs a super bar.

It is nothing against any of the established Ames bars, rather it is simply a matter of catching up to the advancements in other industries.

Our super bar would be similar to our super Hy-Vee — without all of the groceries. It would have all the necessities to a night on the town under the same roof.

The main attraction of the super bar would, of course, be the dance floor, which would be divided into four levels, one for each stage of coupling.

The bottom dance floor (which in a sports bar would be called first base) would be for minglers only. Second floor would cater to first dance couples, and so on.

This system would eliminate any embarrassment that minglers go through when faced by a heavily mashing couple (who will be assigned to the fourth floor).

Similar to Hy-Vee, our super bar would have a variety of restaurants, a bank and maybe even a pet store or cheese island.

There would also be a floral shop installed so charmers like myself could woo women with roses, tulips and balloons that say Happy Bar Mitz Va.

Our super bar would have its very own plasma donation center, so no student will ever be too poor to go out.

Not only will you be helping your fellow man or woman; just imagine how easy it will be to get drunk without any plasma in your blood.

A skateboarding park would also be included to finally give the baggy jean crew a place to go besides T-Galaxy.

This would serve recreational and entertainment purposes (especially when mixed with alcohol) and would give everyone an excuse to wear a wallet chain.

We could even use the park for promotional events, such as opening it once a week to freestyle walkers.

Drinks at the super bar would be the usual assortment of alcohol, only there would be 10 times more of everything, while food would be provided by all of the usual post-bar hot spots, including the Gyro Man (no more cold nights on the street corner).

A Doughnut Land would even be included so the friendly police department will have a place to eat when they come in search of fake IDs.

To solve the increasing problem of the long and winding restroom line, our super bar would be well-equipped with potty places.

A beauty salon would be added as an extension to the ladies’ room and would offer hairspray treatments, needed fashion and make-up advice, manicures, pedicures and pedigrees.

As an added bonus, the ladies’ room would also sell accessories, such as hair scrunchies and those purse/backpack things.

The men’s room will be especially designed with TV screens above each urinal, showing the latest football and basketball scores, along with re-runs of “Baywatch.”

Instead of “toy machines” on the walls, the men’s room will have a gift shop entirely dedicated to the sale of “toys.”

Ames new super bar should be built somewhere near Welch, possibly in place of the new hockey rink.

Better yet, we could just put the new rink inside the bar. Students don’t go to hockey games sober anyway.

But in that case, we would probably have to put the football field in the bar, which may be pushing it.

As for a name for the super bar, I have thrown around a few possibilities that would epitomize Ames and Iowa State but can’t seem to think of anything other than Catt Super Bar.

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Corey Moss is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.