Sometimes I just shouldn’t talk to people. This is something I’ve decided. It can just be too embarrassing.

When I finish a speaking with someone, I often turn my back, grimace and say to myself, “You are SO stupid. Why did you say that?” It’s not that I lack self-confidence. It’s just that I frequently cause myself intense discomfort by my words. I stand (or sit, depending on the situation) in amazement at how ridiculous I must sound.

It’s not just a matter of misspeaking or saying dumb things. Everybody does that. (I’ll never forget the time on my crowded, noisy school bus when the driver turned to us and commanded, in a loud, booming voice, that we all should “keep our hats on our hands and our heads to ourselves.”)

When a person is angry, nervous, tired or stressed out, it’s understandable that their oration might be a little less than fluid. But I seem to have this wonderful knack for creating confusing conversations without the benefit of any such a catalysts. With the use of little harmless ordinary words, I stumble through, leaving confusion in my wake.

Sometimes confusion happens, and it’s clearly my fault. This usually occurs when I try to fill in the blanks created by another person. I jump to assumptions about what they meant by what they didn’t say, and confusion ensues.

One day I was sitting in the room of my friends Adam and Luke. The phone rang and I, being the one closest to it, answered it.

ME: (Answering the phone): “Hello? Adam and Luke’s room.”

FEMALE VOICE: “Hello. Is Jay there?”

ME: “Um. No.” (Thinking she might be looking for Jay, another friend who often hangs out in Adam and Luke’s room) “Jay who?”

VOICE: “What?”

ME: “Jay who? Jay Hannum?” (Silence.)

ME: (Thinking it sounded like Jay’s sister, Kim) “Kim?” (Silence.)

ME: “Is this Kim?” (Silence.)

ME: “Hello? Never mind.”

VOICE: “What?”

ME: “Never mind. Jay isn’t here.”

VOICE: “Okay. Thanks.”

ME: “Yeah.”

Whatever.

While I can be held accountable for screwing up numerous conversations single-handedly, I can’t always take full credit for my inane conversations. Sometimes I require assistance. For example, last summer, at my work, there was a guy with whom I could not seem to have a normal conversation.

There was always some strange kind of complication, as if we were in some special atmospheric zone where standard communication was not physically possible. (I think he goes to school here, so this could be kind of embarrassing if he realizes I’m talking about him.)

The company we worked for was always sending and receiving packages as part of its business, so we saved all the good boxes we got to ship stuff out in. Once my supervisor told me to take a box back to this guy, since he was in shipping at the time. So I went back there thinking, “I will calmly explain to him my mission, and he will routinely accept.” No such luck.

ME: (Holding up an object that is very plainly a box): “This is a box.”

HIM: (Taking the box in his hands, he doesn’t look inside the open lid but undoubtedly feels by its lightness that it is obviously empty): “Is it empty?”

ME: (Quite unnecessarily): “Yes.”

HIM: (Directing my attention to a pile of other empty boxes): “Put it over there.” (He throws my box on the pile himself.)

Conversations like those above are the logical consequences when a) one speaker tries to illuminate the other’s words without that person’s input or b) when both parties have a basic communication deficiency. But sometimes I find myself embroiled in a muddled dialogue through no fault of my own. Befuddlement, for some inexplicable reason, seems to be attracted to me. I can be literally just standing there, and I’ll still stumble into murky oral waters.

Consider an experience I recently had at food service.

A GIRL SERVING MAIN DISHES: “What do you want?”

ME: (Surveying the options.) “I’m thinking.”

HER: “What?”

ME: “I’m thinking.”

HER: “What?”

ME: “Didn’t you just ask me what I want?”

HER: “What?”

ME: “Did you just ask me something?”

HER: “Yes.”

ME: “What?”

HER: “What?”

ME: “Nevermind.” (Grabbing a plate of something and fleeing the scene.)

If you’re like me and continually find yourself staring at others in confusion (or conversely, find others staring at you), apart from offering my condolences, I can only share with you a little advice I’ve learned.

1) Saying “What?” rarely, if ever, helps the situation, so you might as well not bother.

2) If a conversation isn’t going well, and the other person doesn’t seem to notice, don’t say anything. (Why rock the boat?)

3) Sometimes, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you’ll still be confused. And you don’t have to feel bad about it. Confusion is okay once in a while.

A wise man once told me that confusion is what makes the world go ’round. At least, I think that’s what he said…

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Juli Hisel is an undeclared sophomore from Richland.