The birds are chirping, a soft rain is falling, the grass is turning green.

It looks like spring, but there is one thing wrong.

We’ve been attacked by the evil forces of … mud!

Not just a little dirt, mind you, or a few random puddles. These are terrible armies of muck surrounding our sidewalks.

They have penetrated our defenses from within — not a student prank or an activist group trying to make a statement, but an infiltration into the ranks of the snow-shovelers.

Unbeknownst to those driving the snow-shovelers, the demons of dirt infected their machines.

Out of control, they sank their ugly steel teeth into the turf, tearing off huge brown-and-green hunks, and the verdant grass vanished in a flood of ooze.

No sidewalk was immune from this epidemic. Both sides of campus, asphalt and cement, wide and narrow — all suffered under the soldiers of slime.

This may sound like a joke, but it’s a reality.

Careless snow removal this winter has robbed our campus of one of its greatest assets — the grass.

Several times in the past three months, maintenance personnel were sighted meandering along, not caring whether they were scooping snow or sod.

Left behind was a trail of mud, slime and remnants of grass. In their carelessness, they made more work for themselves.

Many of Iowa State’s sidewalks are about as wide as the blades of the snow-scrapers. So, when they ran off one side, a ribbon of show remained on the other side.

Then, back down the sidewalk they would go, ripping up the grass again.

It seemed so obvious: just plow on the pavement. Take a little time to keep our campus looking nice. If you start to tear up the lawn, back up and try again.

And think of all the benefits of mud-free sidewalk edges:

No more expensive sod replacement or painstaking re-seed projects every summer.

The return of the good, clean fun of puddle-jumping.

Freedom to absent-mindedly wander off the sidewalk without disappearing into the ooze.

The carnage on our campus is like a scar on a model’s face — impossible to miss.

It doesn’t seem like that much to ask. Just stay on the sidewalks.