When I first came to this campus, a mere six months ago, I was pretty naive.

For example, I thought I’d make it to every 8:00 I had — didn’t happen. I thought that Library 160 would teach me something, yet I don’t even know where the tiers are. I guess I don’t even know what they are. And I thought that the Cy Rides would stop for random walkers, but I nearly lost a foot learning that lesson.

Retarded stuff, I admit, but these pale in comparison to my social fox paws, or however you spell it. Specifically in the area of meeting people — my tactics were pretty poor.

I know now that there are certain rules and tips offering a socially acceptable way to act in public. Things like never chew gum, hold your drink in your left hand and shake with your right and always look people in the eye.

These are good tips if you’re trying to get a job, but they lack in the specific area that I needed help in, the conversational part of it.

Though I’ve learned from my experiences, I am still, by no means, an expert. However, I feel that my numerous botched attempts permit me to comment on the situation. You see, I’ve developed this theory I think will help social morons like myself seem like old pros.

In order to successfully “work a room,” you must have two to three good stories on hand. In stories, I mean some tales of funny experiences you’ve had. Even a fabricated story will do, just so it gives the person with whom you’re talking a reason to remain in your company.

This way, you will be confident approaching someone because you know there will be something to talk about. Let’s face it, you can only ask what someone’s major is so many times. Besides, that’s the kind of question that doesn’t lead anywhere. It’s like asking someone their favorite color.

Don’t get me wrong, questions like these are fine if there’s a good story to back them up. But these questions alone will hang you out to dry.

When I first went out there, I was hurting. I had absolutely no material. On good days I could maybe get a girl’s name before she’d move on to a livelier conversation. And chances are she wouldn’t remember me anyway because I made no impression. A good story will keep a person from moving on, and it is sure to make a lasting impression.

And notice I said a story, not a joke. A good joke might get a laugh, but it is way too short to pull you into the next stage of a conversation. And after the laughing is done, you’re back to that awkward silence, which unfortunately is usually filled with a question about the weather — weak.

A story is much more reliable. If told right, a laugh can still be obtained. Also, you will hold this person’s attention longer and reveal strong points about yourself.

And please, when I say a good story, that is what I mean. A story must have several components to earn the title “good.” First of all it must have a snazzy opening. You must be able to grab a person’s attention right off the bat or you’ll lose them for the duration.

Next, the story must have relevance. You can’t be in a conversation about Iowa State basketball and suddenly whip out a story about a parking ticket. It just doesn’t work. It is up to the storyteller to somehow connect the topic of conversation to his story.

Probably the most important aspect is the ending. The story has to go somewhere. If you get to the end of a story and there’s no finale, you’ve just alienated your crony for the rest of the night.

And let me just say that the sentence “I guess you had to be there” does not count. Most people who had the audacity to use this ending have died. If they haven’t, then they should be shot.

If you’re ever in this situation, make one up. A good ending is the key to continuing the conversation, which is what we’re after.

Remember, practice makes perfect. Practice telling your stories so you can perfect every aspect of them.

I myself still lack in one area. I’ve never been very good at the ending part. I just don’t know how to end things. Is it a God-given talent? I think He skipped me. I just don’t have a clue. I can never think of the words. I kind of just ramble on, you know?

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Jackson Lashier is a freshman in journalism and mass communication from Marshalltown.