If you had to classify one of the people you know as your worst friend, whom would it be? What’s the matter, haven’t you ever heard of a worst friend?

One day in class, an instructor of mine said something about “your best friend and your worst friend … I mean your worst enemy.” Her slip of the tongue made me wonder why we never talk about our worst friends and our best enemies.

All of us, or at least most of us, have friends. And no matter how likable you or your mom think you are, chances are you have enemies, too.

You all know who your worst enemy is. That’s the guy who stole your girlfriend, the professor who gave you a D minus just because you blew up the lab, or the coach who benched you at the state tournament. Your blood pressure rises at the mere sight of these people. You want to fight in their presence, you feel two inches tall, you never want to see them again.

Your best enemies might be that intramural team you almost always lose to, a business competitor, or that person you pretend you can’t stand. You know, the person you greet, “Oh, no, not YOU again!” Without these guys, you wouldn’t have the same edge. You might start throwing sloppy passes, miss a fly ball, or lose your ability to coin creative insults.

President Clinton’s best enemies are the Republicans. Sure, it would be a whole lot easier for him if Congress passed every bill he proposed with a smile and a nod. However, it would be a little scary if a person from either party was controlling the nuclear weapons, if we didn’t have the assurance that someone from the opposite side was on deck to question her leadership at times. Think of Hitler. Not a good situation.

Best friends, we all agree, are great. It’s nice to know that there’s someone you can call at any hour. She’ll let you come over at one in the morning just to talk. He’ll pick you up at the airport, take you to the hospital after splitting your head open playing football, and let you know when you smear barbecue sauce all over your face. You truly need these people. How else would you have found out if that cute guy liked you back in eighth grade?

What about your worst friends? That girl you can’t stand but who never fails to talk to you because she went out with your roommate once. The guy who always wants to be on your team, even though he can’t tell a screen from a score. The person who turned you down for a date and manages to bring it up in every conversation that involves two or more of your buddies, or your significant other. You don’t especially like these people, but they would probably vote for you if you ran for Government of the Student Body. You can’t completely ignore them without being rude, and let’s face it, you’re just too nice of a person to do that. So, you continue to smile through clenched teeth.

Once again, I use our president as an example. Two words: Monica Lewinsky. He probably had to like the girl at first. Young, attractive, adoring. Now, he would most likely love to see her swallowed up into a black hole. I certainly would. (Can’t somebody at least find a second picture of her?) Unfortunately for myself and the president, I don’t see any black holes in the near future.

Worst friends and best enemies are out there, whether we like it or not. We can’t rid ourselves of the varmints, so we might as well appreciate them. They have their good points, just like us. They’re just a heck of a lot more annoying.

Valentine’s Day will be here in no time. Why not give your best enemy a box of chocolates or a singing valentine? A card or a call is a great way to let your worst friend know you care. It might also give them cause for bewilderment, but let them worry about that. Pick up the phone. Reach out and touch someone. Just make sure it’s an appropriate kind of touch, Mr. President.

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Catherine Conover is a senior in liberal studies from Mapleton.