Hello again, and welcome back to everybody’s favorite section of the paper, the Opinion Page. If you’re like me, you open your Daily up to the middle first and go back for the rest later. Sure, news and sports and A&E and all that stuff is informative and diverting. But opinion — now that’s entertainment.

Where else can you turn for a daily drama of passion and pathos? For rambling, half-baked rants from real people in your neighborhood, and a chance to vent your own political hysteria to 30,000 readers for the price of a stamp? It’s a ticket to the greatest show on campus, where you can see your fellow students, faculty and staff, and even random non-ISU-affiliated crazies from the Ames community and beyond at their angriest and most eloquent. And it’s all free!

The editorial/letters section is a journalistic institution ostensibly based on the democratic principle of free speech. It has come to be rooted even more deeply in the great American tradition of going off half-cocked whenever something displeases us. And dammit, it’s fun!

Don’t misunderstand — I’m proud to be part of an institution that encourages people to sound off about every trivial little thing that’s bothering them. It’s much better than suppressing opinions, and it makes for great reading. The only problem is that, much like the flustered armchair activists on the letters page, newspapers tend to take themselves a bit too seriously.

Some editorial staffers would have us believe that their interactive info-tainment circus promotes informed discourse, the free exchange of ideas, and intelligent debate, all in the interest of strengthening democracy. One doesn’t have to read too many “Quick Es” to see how opinion in action sometimes falls a little short of these lofty ideals.

The truth is that the opinion page of most newspapers is the literary equivalent of Jerry Springer. A lot of self-important pontificating and finger-pointing with little or no basis in reality. A monosyllabic shouting match with LAS majors on one side of the aisle and engineers on the other. A magical, hysterical, wonderful freak show. I say there is no shame in this.

For me and many others, the opinion section is a masochistic indulgence. We read it avidly because we get a perverse little kick out of getting angry, if not at the opinions themselves then at the atrocious writing and nebulous logic with which they are so often expressed.

Or, depending on our mood, we may simply enjoy a good chuckle at the expense of the small-minded illiterates spouting silliness in the center ring, and turn the page with a pleasant sense of quiet superiority. Sometimes we agree with a letter writer or columnist, in which case we grunt self-righteously and mutter emphatic affirmations like “mmm-hmm” and “damn right.” Whatever the case, we generally don’t read the opinion page to enrich our minds and open up to new ideas because — let’s face it — around here they’re few and far between.

The same goes for the people who contribute. John Q. Student knows deep down in his heart of hearts that his impassioned letter on, say, abortion most likely will not change a lot of minds. This is partially because his letter is virtually identical to any number of letters already written on the subject. But he writes it anyway.

Why? Because it’s fun. John feels vindicated, as if he has struck a great blow for his cause. If nothing else, he gets attention. He gets to see his name in print and his ideas (even if they aren’t actually his ideas) spread out on the page for all to see. Note the number of times the phrases “I am sick and tired of …” and “I would like to take this opportunity to say …” appear in the average opinion piece. John writes his letter purely for personal satisfaction.

And we, the readers, regardless of whether we agree with John Q. Student, derive some pleasure from his contribution. We can’t wait for tomorrow’s paper to see who will respond and what outrageous things they will say. We gleefully anticipate another self-perpetuating, vitriolic thread of letters in response to letters in response to letters in response to letters which nobody remembers who wrote in the first place.

Sometimes logical, researched, thoroughly thought out, well-written pieces supported by facts and suggesting independent thought will find their way into the opinion section. These are generally very boring. We usually read the first couple of paragraphs and nod thoughtfully, then skip to the end to see if anybody we know might have written it. Then we move on to the classifieds.

As the old saying goes, opinions are like … well, that’s in poor taste. The old saying makes reference to a universal human orifice. Suffice it to say that everybody’s got one, and everybody thinks everyone else’s stinks. Fortunately, that doesn’t stop most people from displaying theirs at every available opportunity (this is kind of where the analogy departs). So keep those letters coming, and we’ll keep cranking out columns.

There’s no business like show business!

Josh Raulerson is junior in journalism and mass communication and English from Decorah.