Being a ‘Clone to the bone fan, I love watching Iowa State basketball games. I love the noise Hilton can produce when the place is rocking. I love every fourth game (when I can actually see the players). I love that blimp that flies around during halftime. And I love yelling, “Hi, Ed!”

However, there is one thing I don’t love about watching the games — that coaching wizard who always happens to be sitting in my section.

You know, the really loud guy who apparently knows way more about basketball than the coach. And this coaching genius takes it upon himself (he is nearly always male) to make sure everyone within a four-row radius knows exactly what Tim Floyd should be doing if he were as smart as his fans.

Somehow, from his nosebleed section balcony seats he can see that we need to be falling back into zone defense, whereas this fact somehow was missed from Floyd’s sideline vantage point.

This same individual is often unafraid to cuss freely, insult the refs on even the most clearly correct calls going against ISU and verbally assault all those who dare root against the Cyclones.

Other characteristics displayed by this fan include a genuine feeling of relief that Tony Rampton won’t be playing the rest of the season. A strong feeling that can only be matched by the panic felt when Matt Knoll is subbed into the lineup.

Many times throughout the game, the rogue fan feels it necessary to yell, “I love you (insert Marcus, Jerry, Paul or Klay)!” after a particularly fine offensive effort.

There is no moral dilemma, however, in insulting the very same player he just professed his love to, if that player suffers a defensive lapse or commits a stupid foul. And if he happens to miss a clutch free throw, may God have mercy on his soul.

During timeouts, the crazy Clone supporter feels a strong desire to ask other members of his ticket block ISU trivia questions from the program (which he bought exclusively for the enclosed poster). When the trivia question of the day comes over the speakers, the fan in question feels no shame in screaming at the top of his lungs, “LAFESTER RHODES!”

Other topics of conversation during breaks in the action include discussing how bad today’s seats are, logically deducing the “Shoot five-for-five” promotion must be fixed because he has never been selected, bragging about who has seen more recognizable athletes on campus since the last game and trying to scout out better seats that are safe to sneak down to.

The insane furor felt during basketball games does not just end there, though. The true “bad fan” bleeds cardinal and gold during all ISU sporting events, from football (a true test) to women’s track to gymnastics.

The person also feels the need to discuss everything that happens in a game for days, even weeks after the event. The individual refuses to let the fact that there is no game going on at the moment keep them from talking about sports. Also, if there is a Cyclone game on television, do not even attempt to make non-sports related conversation with this fan.

I bet on many occasions you have wished that this fan would just disappear, so you could sit back, enjoy the game, listen to the band and leave with two minutes left to make sure you “beat the rush.” You wouldn’t actually leave, of course, you would probably just stand around the edge of the arena, watching to make sure nothing miraculous occurs.

Well, you are out of luck because that guy has not disappeared. In fact, now he’s getting paid to do the exact same thing, except that he has to edit out the dirty stuff. No longer can people tell him, “What the hell do you know anyway?” He can simply counter with, “I get paid to pretend I know, so back off buddy!”

If you haven’t quite figured it out, the fan I described is none other than yours truly. I’m not saying I’m the only one of my kind. I know for a fact I’m not because I have sat by a number of similar persons already this year.

But the difference between them and me is that now people will actually hear what I am saying. I haven’t yet decided whether that’s good, but I’m hoping that it won’t get me beat up too often. So if you are as crazy about the ‘Clones as I am, keep your eye on the sports section and I’ll try to deliver.

David Roepke is a freshman in journalism from Aurora.