I have to pull another page out of my diary today about the loss that the Iowa State basketball team suffered to the University of Northern Iowa. I was in Cedar Falls on that gloomy Sunday, which made it even worse.

Noon — Wake up to the soothing sounds of “Machine Head.” I look out the window to see a partly cloudy day. Things could be worse, I guess. I’m not seriously out of cigarettes, am I?

12:30 p.m. — Getting out of Kum ‘n’ Go. Man, the blond who works there is smoking. I think I’ll wait three days to call. Two days is the industry standard. But three days seems to be money. Although I’m safe with two days, three days seems to be more money. My roommate says to wait for six days.

1:30 p.m. — Heading on up and out of here. Here I come UNI, or “fiancee” town as I call it. Man, I can’t wait to spend a romantic night by the fireplace. We’ll drink a little wine and do a little dancing. Then some soft, sensuous lovemaking. Well, either that or I’ll throw a cheeseburger at her head and crank open a nice, cold Icehouse. I prefer the second choice myself.

4:00 p.m. — Arriving at UNI. The sights and sounds of what the locals call “Panther Pride” is making my stomach turn. I have no worries because I’m sure ISU will set things straight.

5:00 p.m. — Just bought a cheeseburger!

5:30 p.m. — Just cracked a cold one open. That was record time. So I don’t always take my time. Hey, I’m on a schedule here!

6:30 p.m. — Feeling it, baby. I’m feeling it.

11:00 p.m. — Where did the day go? I have to check the score.

11:01 p.m. — No. No. No! We did not lose to UNI. And why is Laura wearing that damn Panther shirt?

11:15 p.m. — It’s smoldering. It’s just burning. It’s burning worse than it has ever burned before. Something must be done. This calls for a retaliation. Something must stop the UNI pride. That something is me.

11:20 p.m. — Look at her. She’s just sitting there grinning at me as if to silently say that my Cyclones are a collective group of chumps. Little does she know what is spinning through my twisted head.

11:30 p.m. — Crescent kick! Karate chop! Forearm smash! Forearm smash! Karate chop! Forearm smash! Super Fly Snuka from the couch!

12:00 a.m. — Who’s laughing now? Who’s your daddy?

12:05 a.m. — I told her not to taunt me. It’s not my fault. They way I look at it, it’s an eye for an eye, baby. You laugh at me, I’ll gouge your eye out. That doesn’t mean that I don’t love Laura, but you have to have priorities.

2:00 a.m. — I nestle myself to sleep knowing that although the Cyclone basketball team may have lost the war, we at least won a small battle.

All the events that you have just read about were written solely with the intention of humoring you. If you do not find it funny, please do not read my column ever again. I get paid the same either way. There were no animals, human beings or fiancees hurt while writing this column. Copyright 1997 Calek Productions. All rights reserved.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia.