“Last night my child looked up at me and said ‘Uncle Steve.’ He didn’t know I was his father, I didn’t know for sure either I just assumed I was, I had his mother so many times, in so many ways. Anyway, he looked up me and said ‘What does Christmas me to you?'”

And so begins my favorite Christmas song of all time, a hysterical rendition of “Silver Bells” by Paul Simon, Billy Joel and Steve Martin.

While Simon and Joel combine for the chorus and back-up vocals, it is Martin who carries the song with his witty answers on what Christmas means to him.

Christmas is “a time for cutting down trees and hanging plastic do-dads on them and watching them die slowly in your living room, catch fire and burn down your house and all your possessions,” Martin sings.

“A time for buying things that haven’t sold all year long, wrapping them up in shinny paper and giving them to your friends, who return them and find out you got it on sale and they can only exchange them for things of equal value like charcoal briquettes or matchbooks with other people’s names on them.”

And so begins my list of the dos and don’ts of Christmas Music.

Do go to your local record store and ask where you can find this song — it only gets better as it goes on, with tid-bits about office Christmas parties and mall Santa Clauses.

Don’t buy the new Hanson Christmas album “Snowed In.” As appealing as songs like “I saw Zachary Kissing Santa Clause” and “Jingle Bells, Batman Smells” sound, the record is far from entertaining. There are only so many words that can follow “MMM” and “MMM Clause” isn’t one of them.

Do check out the movie and the soundtrack to “Gravesend,” which features the power duo Local H’s rendition of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas.” There isn’t much else on the soundtrack, but it does have another new Local H tune (“Tag-Along”) and the Christmas song alone is well worth the money.

Don’t play “Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer” at your grandparents’ house on Christmas. I know from experience on this one — grandma and grandpa just won’t appreciate Elmo and Patsy’s humor on this classic Christmas tune. My advice — teach it to your little cousins and tell them to sing it at school.

Do purchase Geffen Record’s 1996 benefit record “Just Say Noel.” Not only will your money be going to a good cause (Witness), but chances are you’ll be the only one in your neighborhood bustin’ a move to Beck’s “Little Drum Machine Boy” or Sonic Youth’s “Santa Doesn’t Cop Out On Dope.”

Don’t jump on the commercial Christmas music bandwagon. By this, I mean stay away from Christmas albums from Mariah Carey, Michael Bolton, Boyz II Men, Harry Connick Jr. and Garth Brooks. If you want to hear this crap, stand around in Musicland for a few hours during December and by the time you leave, you will never want to hear “A Mariah Christmas” again as long as you live.

Do shop the promotional bins at indie record stores to find your Christmas music. Peeple’s has a pretty good selection and the discs are usually $2 or $3 at the most.

Last year I picked up a Sonia Dada “Silent Night/Silver Bells” single as well as an Atlantic Records promotional disc that features Christmas music by Collective Soul, Tori Amos, Jill Sobule and Juliana Hatfield. Most national record labels release Christmas promos to send to media and record stores and they are usually awesome.

Don’t buy anything dubbed “The Next Manheim Steamroller.” No matter how hard some computer geek with a keyboard trys, there will only be one Manheim Steamroller.

Do buy all three “A Very Special Christmas” records. These are a must for anyone with an ounce of holiday spirit.

Volume one features the Run DMC classic “Christmas In Hollis” and Bob Seger’s “Little Drummer Boy.” Volume two features Tevin Cambell’s “O Holy Night” and Extreme’s “Christmas Time Again.” Volume three features the Smashing Pumpkins and of course, Puff Daddy.

Don’t play Christmas music until Dec. 1. Christmas music in November has been proven to cause a shortage of breath, a severe rash and uncontrollable diarrhea.

Do buy Bob and Doug McKenzie’s record (yep, the Canadian guys from “Strange Brew”) and listen to their “12 Days of Christmas.”

With each day, drink what their true love gave to them “On the first day of Christmas” and by the time the song is over, I promise you will be ready to tackle any of the so-called “pressures of Christmas.”

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Corey Moss is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale. He just missed qualifying for Santa’s Nice List this year.