As we enter into the void known as the end of the semester, we wonder what will happen to us if we cannot pass the final. Some of us even know of a final in which there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of us passing.

So just for all you bullet-sweating, midnight-oil-burning, candle-at-both-end-burning students in the library pulling your hair out over that Stat 101 final you have to take at 2:15 Tuesday afternoon, here’s a list of things to do during that final you know you can’t pass.

1. Get a copy of the exam and run out of the room screaming “Andr‚, Andr‚ I’ve got the secret documents.”

If you can run pretty fast, this way is sure to buy you some time.

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

This one works simply because nobody wants to mess with a doggone fool.

3. Bring a Gameboy and play it with the volume on the maximum level.

There is no sound more annoying than that of the repetitive Tetris music bouncing of the walls of the Kildee auditorium.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be as creative as possible.

In reality, this one should only be a last resort for those who didn’t study at all.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

Don’t try this one during wartime — you might be labeled a defector or something.

6. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 minutes.

See number two.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head and nothing else.

Tell everyone you just got up out of bed and you figured nobody would mind if you came to the exam right after your shower.

8. Come down with a bad case of Tourettes Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

But watch out, if you get a nervous professor, you could be looking at a trip to Mary Greeley in a straight jacket, and that just isn’t cool.

9.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

Comedy personified needs no explanation.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

One of the best ways to get information is to absorb it and there is no better way to absorb than through the small intestines.

11. Every five minutes stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Again, see number two.

12. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

It really pisses off all the other students who actually studied and think the test is the hardest thing they have ever seen.

13. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “(expletive) this!” and walk out triumphantly.

This is probably the most rational way to react for most of us. It doesn’t really work without the vulgarity — it just isn’t the same thing.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

Since nobody on this campus cares enough to listen to protests anyway, this one may not work. But nevertheless, it’s a good idea.

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for Mommy.)

If you are a real Iowa Stater you have already done this one. In all actuality, if you take the test you might do better in your drunken state than in a sober one.

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

I’m not even going there on this one.

17. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

The wave may be completely out of style in baseball stadiums and football arenas but it has never been tried in a lecture hall or classroom. Be a trendsetter, that’s what college is all about.

18. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

Once more we revert to good ol’ number two on this one.

19. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

Yeah, I know these are silly and there is no way on God’s green earth any of them would even work. But hey, your stupid butt should have studied instead of hoping I would bail you out.

I’m gone.

---

Rhaason Mitchell is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Chicago. He is managing editor of the Daily.