One day, Aruk and his clan were hunting the woolly mammoth. Their families were hungry, so the clan needed to hunt often. Aruk usually killed one mammoth every four or five hunts. This was a good percentage, but the real envy of Big Sloth Valley was the Nykee clan who bagged at least one mammoth for every hunt.

Aruk once followed in the shadows of a Nykee hunt to observe their hunting techniques.

“That funny,” said Aruk. “They no different than us. Maybe spear better than ours.”

Since Aruk was only a simple Homo Habilis man, the thought that it was the spear that made the Nykee better stuck in his mind.

“It spear. It do it. It make better hunt.”

To improve his hunt, Aruk would need a Nykee spear. Aruk was a good caveman and would not steal one. He would approach the Nykee and ask for a spear.

A few days later, before the next hunt, Aruk and a few of his men went to the Nykee to ask for a spear. The Nykee, who were Cro-Magnon, were just a bit smarter than Aruk, but were willing to give Aruk a spear — for a price. “You give us one mammoth. We give you one spear.”

“What you mean,” bellowed Aruk. “That lot of money.”

“You give us one mammoth. We give you one spear.”

Aruk had no choice. His clan was lucky however, to catch a mammoth on that day’s hunt. They immediately took it to the Nykee who exchanged a spear for the mammoth.

Aruk brought the spear to the next hunt.

“This good spear,” he thought to himself as he and his clan approached the mammoth herd by the river.

At the right moment, Aruk and his men attacked the mammoth herd, singling out one of the smaller and weaker beasts. When he was close enough, Aruk let the spear fly at the mammoth, and just as most of his other spears have done in the past, the Nykee spear broke.

“This spear no better than our spear,” Aruk told himself as he picked up the pieces.

Aruk went back to the Nykee and explained what happened to the spear. Some of the Nykee snickered as their leader spoke.

“Spear break? That because you no use good spear. We have better spear. It called Nykee Air spear. It cost two mammoth, but twice as good.”

Aruk managed to scrounge up a couple mammoths with which to purchase the Nykee Air Spear.

That spear broke just as fast as the other one.

“Nykee spear. It no good. I ask friend why.”

Aruk went to his friend Reerok and asked him to steal a Nykee spear so that they could look at it and see how it was made.

It took Reerok a few days, but he eventually managed to steal a spear from the Nykee.

“Look, Aruk. It no better than any other spear. It only wood and sharp rock like our spear.”

Aruk was angry with himself. He had spent three mammoths on cheap spears that had fancy names but were no better than any other spear.

“I have idea,” said Reerok. “We sell same spear to Australopithecus. We give it different name and sell for three mammoth. Then we have to hunt no more.”

Aruk and the Clan agreed with Reerok’s proposal and started selling the New Reerok Air-Pump Spear to the Australopithecus.

After a few years, the population of mammoths, sloths, cave bears and arsinotheriums increased astronomically because there was nothing but crappy, expensive spears being used by all the clans of Big Sloth Valley.

Sure, the spears were given fancy names like “Reerok Air-Pump Spear” and “Nykee Air Force Spear,” but they were still the same piece of crud that had been used for so many years.

Later, the Nykee hired a tall Cro-Magnon spear thrower named Grok Jordan to help them with their advertising. New names sparked from his use of the spears, such as “Nykee Air Jordan Spear” and “Jordan Air Command Spear.”

At one point, Reerok was selling more spears than Nykee, so Nykee compensated by hiring cheap Neanderthal labor. In the end however, it was all the poor, unevolved saps who would lose out and spend their last mammoths in the pursuit of crappy merchandise.

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Carmen Cerra is a senior in biological and premedical illustration from Redondo Beach, Calif.