Look out on Lincoln Way! It’s a swan! It’s a DPS vehicle! No!!

It’s CAPTAIN OBLIVIOUS!

Yes, Captain Oblivious, the ideal superhero for Ames, Iowa. The personification of all that is Ames. Well, not all of it, but there are some humorous parallels.

Among Captain Oblivious’ array of powers is an aura of obliviousness. What does this aura thingie do, you might ask? Well, I will tell you, loyal reader. Our dear Captain has no idea what is going on around him. An atomic bomb could land on him and he would have no idea.

Captain Oblivious uses this nifty aura of obliviousness to his advantage at all times.

When walking anywhere, Captain Oblivious freely steps out into busy intersections proclaiming his pedestrian right of way.

While riding his bike, Captain Oblivious pays no attention to stop signs, oncoming cars or pedestrians on the sidewalk. Captain Oblivious has places to be and personal needs to fulfill.

At night, as our dear Captain drives around Ames on patrol, he pays no mind to pedestrians. They should know he is coming with his headlights out and his brakes worn thin. Captain Oblivious doesn’t understand why citizens give him an unfriendly gesture as he crosses three lanes without signaling.

Every couple weeks, superheroes need to restock their supplies. Captain Oblivious leaves his shopping cart on one side of the aisle while he looks on the other, assuring no one can get around him.

Be warned, if any of his superfriends are shopping that day, they will talk forever directly in front of the item you need.

Even when he is in his secret identity, Captain Oblivious’ powers do not fade. He may just be the person sitting next to you in class.

As an Iowa State student, Captain Oblivious is always late for class, he forgets deadlines and always has some excuse on the tip of his tongue.

His grandmother has died 25 times in the last 3 years, and he really needs to find a better auto mechanic.

Captain Oblivious’ alter ego seems to believe he is always right — second-guessing professors who know far more than our dear Captain. It is amazing he could live this long.

Generalized comments about “everyone” seem to often get the Captain in trouble. He does not seem to realize that not everyone is just like him. Captain Oblivious knows the taste of a foot in the mouth all too well.

Actually, now that I think about it, the aura of obliviousness is the only power Captain Oblivious really has. Maybe he can fly, at least when he is hit by an oncoming car.

You may know someone like Captain Oblivious; heck, you may just be him. There is a little bit of the Captain in all of us.

We don’t want to admit it, but we sure can see it in others. I believe it is just part of the human experience.

A dirty joke you probably should not be telling at the church picnic — to the reverend no less. Spacing off on the way home from class as you step in front of a UPS truck.

The rare experiences as Captain Oblivious are forgivable.

Warning! If the Captain has taken over your life there might be a problem. If you fit numerous parts of the Captain Oblivious description, please make changes now, before it is too late!

I see Captain Oblivious all the time at ISU. I like to call out his name whenever I see him. Rarely does he respond; he must not want to compromise the secret identity.

We can only hope Captain Oblivious decides to move on. There is another state school to the southeast he can protect. No one will miss him too much.

Keep your attention focused, loyal readers. Be alert for any signs of Captain Oblivious. It is safest to avoid this diligent hero.

Look! On the front of that Cy-Ride Bus! I guess the Captain needs to look into getting some super-speed.

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Andrew Seitz is junior in drawing, painting and printmaking from Dyersville.