Okay, hockey fans, let’s get one thing straight. Unless you are one of a privileged few, you will never get to drive or ride on the Zamboni, no matter how often you scream at the top of your lungs at the Zamboni driver between periods.

There are primarily two reasons for this. The first is: if you are like most hockey fans, then during the games you are probably legally unfit to operate a motor vehicle. In fact, from the looks of most of you, you are probably legally unfit to be out in public. But that isn’t the main reason. The main reason is you are not a certified employee of the Ames/ISU Ice Arena.

That is not true in the case of Matt Grubisich, however. Grubisich is a proud Ames Ice Arena employee and has logged a few hours on the Zamboni himself.

When I asked him if he could take me for a spin, I found that there was very little room on the Zamboni for stowaways. Giving rides on the Zamboni is strictly against arena policy, even for sober hockey fans. “Seriously,” Grubisich said, “If you want to get fired from the Ice Arena, then mess around with the Zamboni. You’ll be gone. A Zamboni probably costs around 60 to 70 thousand dollars.”

I was shocked to learn a Zamboni was so expensive. Grubisich agreed and said that is why “They don’t let us do doughnuts.”

For those of you who don’t get out much and don’t know what a Zamboni is, the Zamboni (TM) Ice Resurfacer is designed to remove unwanted “snow” from the top of the ice and recoat the surface with a thin sheet of water to smooth out the crevices that form during play.

Basically, the same task could be accomplished using a snowblower and garden hose, but the Zamboni is the preferred method based on a scientific study showing that a snowblower and garden hose are not nearly as fun to yell at during intermission.

Another largely unknown fact about the Zamboni is why it needs to be so huge. Conventional knowledge would tell us science would, by now, be able to build something that has the same basic function of a snowblower and garden hose and package it in something that isn’t the size of a Sherman tank. You would think they could reduce it to more the size of, say, a snowblower and garden hose.

Actually, that shows how useless conventional knowledge is. Grubisich was quick to point out that the large size was necessary to hold the great deal of water distributed and the shaved ice collected during ice resurfacing at intermission.

Still, if the design of the Zamboni were to come under scrutiny by some Iowa State engineers, I imagine we would find the mechanics behind the machine were about as efficient as the IRS. I make that claim because every winter ISU maintenance personnel inexplicably turn paved sidewalks on campus into inch-thick sheets of ice with a Bobcat or shovel.

But you can’t fault the inventor of the Zamboni, Frank J. Zamboni (seriously), for not being an entrepreneur.

Frank built the first Zamboni at his ice rink in Southern California in the early 1940s. The first prototype looked like something glued together with the help of Orville and Wilbur Wright.

However, aided by a unique last name, Frank was able to sell his invention to professional hockey teams around the world for about the price of Canada. Thus started the Frank J. Zamboni Corporation, which is still thriving today.

And that’s the story of the world’s most unheralded halftime entertainment. I could tell you more, but it’s about time I skated off to class.

Aaron Senneff is a senior in computer engineering from Bettendorf.