I would like to share a story with all of you. Although this is a fictional account, it is based on actual events.

This is the story of Mr. Joe Parker, Mr. Janitor and building security.

Joe Parker works at the Colon-corp food factory. He taste tests all of the company’s new foods which are, incidentally, high in fiber. Needless to say, Joe’s work sends him to the bathroom on a regular basis. Unfortunately, there are only a few bathrooms in the building, and of those, only a few have sit-down stalls (for Joe’s kind of work).

One day, Joe went into his usual bathroom to relieve himself, but on this day, there was a janitor in the only stall. Joe would have to wait.

After a few minutes, Joe was getting a bit antsy.

“Are you almost done in there?” Joe asked.

“I’m reading,” came the occupant’s answer.

And, indeed, despite having his own break lounge provided by the building, the janitor preferred to read in the stall Joe needed to use.

The pressure was increasing. Joe eyed the urinals, which were meant for “stand- up” only, and at best, only temporary unloading.

He also looked at the empty handicap stall, but he did not want to run the risk of being in it if one of his disabled friends should happen by. On top of that, it was a $50 fine if he should get caught.

Joe pleaded once more with the janitor.

“Come on, man, I really have to go.”

“I’m reading!” yelled the janitor.

Even though break time was over, the janitor was there to stay whether he was reading, pooping or doing something else that people do in bathroom stalls.

Joe could not hold. He would either have to poop in one of the urinals or in the middle of the floor. Joe chose to illegally park his butt in temporary unloading. Lucky for Joe, building security didn’t show up.

After Joe was finished, he flushed a few times to clean up the mess and left for his afternoon session of taste testing.

Later, Joe came back to the bathroom for another of his poopy breaks.

This time, not only was the janitor still in the stall, but a building administrator was sitting in temporary unloading. Joe was actually more happily surprised than shocked.

“If a building administrator can park his ass in temporary unloading, then so can I,” thought Joe, so he did.

While seated there, Joe and the administrator had a nice discussion about current events, the weather and what not. (In real life, men don’t usually talk to each other during bathroom duties, but Joe and the administrator do so because they’re not separated by a wall.)

A few minutes later, building security walked into the bathroom.

“What are you doing sitting in the urinal!?”

“I’m here because that janitor has been in the stall for hours more than he needs it.”

Security wasn’t pleased with Joe’s excuse and began to write him a ticket.

“I’m writing you a $12 ticket for pooping in temporary unloading, Mr. Parker.”

“What!” Joe was furious. “What about the building administrator? He’s pooping illegally too.”

Security glanced at the administrator and said to Joe, “He’s alright. He works here.”

“And I don’t!?” Joe was steaming. “That’s not justice!” Joe argued. “If I get a ticket for parking my butt illegally, then the administrator should get a ticket as well!”

Security only handed Joe a ticket for illegally pooping in a temporary unloading zone.

Joe appealed the ticket, but the appeals officer only saw the security guard’s side of the story.

We all know by now that Joe Parker’s appeal was not approved and he eventually had to pay for his ticket because building workers who have their own spaces decided to use Joe’s space instead.

And so continues Joe’s plight as embodied by the students of Iowa State who are constantly ticketed for illegal parking. Meanwhile, university vehicles go unticketed even though they are illegally parked.

And for the benefit of Parking Enforcement, here is the moral of the story:

Either start ticketing illegally parked university vehicles or I’ll poop in your urinals.

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Carmen Cerra is a senior in biological and premedical illustration from Redondo Beach, Calif.