I have to admit that I am totally confused. What in the hell is wrong with Nebraska fans?

You know, I can write columns about racial tension on campus, the silliness of The September 29th Movement or sticking flowers in your ass, and nobody seems to pay too much attention.

But if you write a column about the Nebraska Cornhuskers or mention breasts, the opinion page can’t hold enough of those ridiculous letters.

What is wrong with you people?

First off, when I call Tom Osborne the anti-Christ, I am kidding. I would expect anyone with half the brains that God gave a mule to know that.

But, my point was proven. Nebraska fans are the worst fans in the world.

Is it sicker to be a columnist who writes a column that is obviously designed to be satirical, or a Husker fan who writes me a letter stating proof that Osborne is a man of God?

I have two words for all you right-wing fanatical Husker fans: Grow up!

Here’s a few little secrets that I’ll let you in on. God doesn’t care if Nebraska wins or loses. Nebraska is not holy. They are only the best college football team that money can buy. God isn’t even a Husker fan. I know because he told me so last night at the bar.

Another thing that I would like to address is the numerous letters appearing in the opinion page claiming that I am sexist.

How am I sexist?

Just because I find a woman’s chest arousing does not make me sexist. I like boobs. Boobs are good. Boobs are fun. Boobs are like soup; They’re healthy for you.

When have I ever said that the male sex is dominant over the female sex? I never have.

Actually, I believe that women hold the cards. That’s right, fellas. Women are running the show. If my chick said I couldn’t have play unless I changed my ways, then I would be in a definite predicament. Of course that wouldn’t happen because I’d just check the oil somewhere else, if you get my drift. But what if all women denied play? We would do whatever they want. I’m telling you, they run the show.

I’m not selling out fellas, just keeping it real.

To all Nebraska fans, you can quit sending me your letters about the win on Saturday. I never said that Iowa State was a better team that Nebraska. But I’m sure that you are all bathing in your victory, showing what kind of fans you are.

Besides, I took home a moral victory in that game. We scored twice, held Nebraska to under 100 points and acted like respectable college athletes at the conclusion of the game.

Here’s a question. If you go to school at Iowa State and literally bleed Husker red, why don’t you move back there? The campus would be friendlier, and you and I would be much happier.

To the Cyclones, hats off. You busted your tail and showed the class that you possess. Always remember that class will take you a lot farther than playing for a corrupt program (like Lawrence Phillips, Scott Baldwin, Riley Washington, Christian Peter etc.).

Keep your heads up. You won in my mind.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia.