Okay. We need to talk. This week, I would like to discuss the events of this past weekend.

Oh, what a wild weekend it was.

The Cleveland Indians lost the World Series, but that was OK because the mighty Cyclones won, and that means more than any stupid baseball game.

Despite being gripped by the cold winds and gray skies, students, faculty and alumni stuck it out and braved the elements, as well as another possible “beating,” to see their team come away with its first victory of the year.

Now that I’m a senior and this is my last Cyclone football season as a student, I will reflect on some of the strangest things I have ever seen.

The DPS and police officers on the field Saturday were up there in the “How Bizarre” category.

And I’ve seen some dumb things like Bob Utter fumbles, fourth down and 50, victories over Nebraska, a field goal attempt that almost ended up in the seats and one that never even made it to the end zone on the first bounce.

Saturday was definitely up there.

From what I witnessed Saturday, we had a bunch of old high school football players who are now uniformed police officers trying to live out some kind of forgotten high school football dream by using students as tackling dummies. They were imagining their glory days on the gridiron when they used to be high school studs.

So there they were, practicing open-field tackles while visions of two-a-days danced in their heads.

The irony was that most officers had students, who originally were congratulating the players, pinned to the ground practicing submission holds they learned from a video tape. The officers stood smugly, and behind them a tempest raged on the helpless yellow poles.

It seemed to me that their intentions were more on roughing up students than protecting the almighty poles.

I even saw one cop take off in a sprint away from the goal posts and blindside some poor kid who was walking around, basking in the jubilation of the moment.

So let’s take a closer look at reasons for what happened and what we can do to remedy the situation, from the slanted Ohio Guy take on things.

From the way I see it, this is just another case of what the university would like to call wild, out-of-control college students.

Now Jischke and the boys could be thinking, “Man, how do we control those crazy college students?”

Well, I’ve got some possibilities.

1. Let’s have a bunch of cops go freakin’ crazy, Rodney King style, on a bunch of students with the motto, “The beatings will continue until you people stop cheering for your team and morale improves.”

2. Here’s an idea to make them fall in line! Let’s make Veishea dry on-campus so that all of us who live off-campus are screwed because everyone who wants to party comes out to where we live to party. And you know what happens then — we get a bunch of cops going freakin’ crazy, Rodney King style, on a bunch of students. with the motto, “the beatings will continue until you stop partying or morale improves.”

Now I really don’t fault the police, because I’m fairly sure they were doing what they were told, so the problem runs much deeper.

Other possibilities to controlling students:

3. How about this? Let’s get a winning football team here so that we don’t have to go crazy when we cover the spread, let alone win a game.

4. Here’s another idea. It seems that the students are out of control at football games, so let’s just do what we were going to do to Veishea, and cancel the football season.

5. I’ve got it! Make the football games dry! (Oh, wait, they already are.)

6. Somewhat like idea four, we could have the games, but not sell tickets or let anybody in. Or Jischke could sit there on his terrace with a gun and pick off all the students that were cheering too loud.

7. There’s always shock treatment.

In the end, I think everyone should just relax. Everyone seems to be so on-edge about everything.

I mean, there are definitely worse things in Lake LaVerne than a couple of goal posts and some students. In fact, I think that some of the students got more punishment by jumping into the lake than the “beatings” could have ever inflicted.

In any case, congratulations Cyclone football, and I will see you all around. Peace!

---

J.R. Grant is a senior in public relations from Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio.