It’s hard for me to figure out. Well, a lot of things are.

Like, why are the letters on the keyboard arranged in this order? I mean, why, as a right-handed (or normal) person, do my fingers rest on the J, K, L and semi-colon keys? What makes them so special? Meanwhile, the M and N got stuck in the same row with V, X and Z. Where’s the respect?

Or why are some perennial football powerhouses doing so poorly this year?

Notre Dame is 1-4. Ha, ha. I am the happiest guy around. I guess my retaliatory prayers against the Fighting Irish are finally starting to pay off.

And Miami’s criminals are starting to get what they deserve. They are doing time — on a losing football team.

And what about Texas and Colorado? So much for the Big 12 being a super conference. Another Nebraska runaway is inevitable.

Or why have the dollar slots on vending machines gotten so much better? I used to have to take my bills and rub them on multiple surfaces (the side of the machine, the top of the machine, all four corners of the room) for about a half an hour until it would accept them. Now even the money I leave in my pockets that goes through the wash is accepted.

Or why, for the life of me, can I never correctly predict the outcome of a game? Any game? I don’t care if it’s a game of UNO or the World Series, why can’t I be right just once? The Seattle Mariners winning the Fall Classic? Not quite.

Or why is everyone on this campus so high-strung? Relax everybody. Stop reading headlines and interpreting racism or sexism in the Sports section. We wrote cheesy headlines using every term possibly related to Cowboys, and nobody with boots came in and kicked us. Take a lesson — not everybody is out to get you. It’s supposed to be catchy. Just read it, take it with a grain of salt, and laugh.

Or why can’t any of my favorite teams ever win a national championship? Except for the Dallas Cowboys (I mean the “Dallas Guys Who Lived In the Wild West in the 1800s, Some Who Had Scruffy Beards, Many Who Possessed Guns, All Who Had Interesting Lifestyles and Deserve To Be Remembered By Having a Sports Team Named After Them). Is that politically correct? Or can’t I say wild? Is scruffy wrong? Who cares? It won’t fit on a jersey.

I tell you what, if you want to start up a team, feel free to name it after me. I would love it. Call it whatever you like. The Ames “Ignorant, Cynical, Typical Frat Boy” team. It would be an honor.

Or where is everybody on this campus during weekends? I go to the bar — nobody. I go to the Rec to play some hoops and play 3-on-3. Are you kidding me? There are 25,000 students here, seven of whom play basketball at a given time, and 34 who attend a local Campustown establishment. If this is some kind of cruel joke being played on me, it’s not funny anymore.

I’m starting a new club, the “I Wish I Could Find Something To Do At This Institution Which Is Headed By People Who Are Public Relations Nightmares And Attended By People Who Spend So Much Time Being Worried About These People And Other Meaningless Things That They Have No Fun Club.” Anybody else in? Or does anybody want to complain about it?

Drew Harris is a senior in journalism and mass communication and political science from Peosta.