Columnist’s note: Hello there, readers; Benjamin Studenski here. I am lying on the floor in the fetal position and feeling as guilty as I can. I’m told this will improve the lives of people around the world.

Since I’m otherwise occupied, I’ve asked Lorena, my leader in this diversity exercise, to write my article. All I know about her is that she is a grad student in English. But come to think of it, that means I know quite a bit.

Greetings womyn, non-womyn, pre-womyn and pre-non-womyn! I am Lorena Madonna Chavez, premier of the People’s Central Committee of the Outraged Student Organization at Iowa State.

I also serve as brigadier general for media relations and as theater-wide tactical deployment chairpersyn for the OSO.

This article is an open letter to President Jischke, the World Court in the Hague and commander Xycop-Z of the Inter-galactic Space Federation. The Outraged Student Organization demands action!

In light of the invisible discrimination against us within plain sight, we demand what should be obvious to all non-fascist humyns. We demand that the university rename the Campanile!

We also want a greater voice on this campus. As we have said repeatedly in our press conferences, our meetings with administration officials, our stories in the Daily, our speeches to the student government, and our teach-ins and workshops, we are tired of being silenced here at ISU.

The administration has flown the coop on legs made of clay in dealing with this issue. So in response, we have decided to put out foot down with a heavy hand.

We know we’re right, and we’re going to fight!

Do what we say, or ISU will pay!

Because up is better than down, we will look stern and frown!

Like an apple vs. an orange, we will — umm, we will — dang what rhymes with orange? Never mind.

We believe the ISU administration has unfairly disagreed with us on this issue. Renaming the Campanile is an important first step in bringing diversity to this campus.

And diversity, after all, means doing what we say. We demand agreement on this and all future diversity issues we address. Is that too much to ask? In addition, we want money. Lots of it.

We had a party last night in the Outraged Student Organization’s cultural center to celebrate diversity. The party was paid for by the university, and we almost ran out of punch. I ask you, would non-outraged students be treated like this?!

President Jischke brought this grave Campanile crisis to our campus. And if members of the OSO hurt themselves in response to this crisis, remember who is to blame.

Jischke is! He simply won’t do what we say. And I thought this was America!

Let us look at his crazy thinking in an unbiased way. The OSO spent the summer collecting reasons why the Campanile should be renamed, and we weighed all the paper we produced.

We now have 37 pounds of evidence supporting us, and still Jischke won’t adopt our opinion. How can 37 pounds of evidence be wrong? After all, paper doesn’t just grow on trees!

When confronted with 37 pounds of evidence, evidence weighing more than 2 large bowling balls, how could anyone disagree? Come on, this is a diversity issue. Everyone should smile and nod. Isn’t universal agreement on controversial issues what diversity is all about?

The Outraged Student Organization has made every effort to avoid emotional appeals and stick to logic and intellect. Therefore, we will not question Jischke’s motives or even slightly impugn our so-called university president.

We will not ask if he secretly hates us and wants us to die in a painful manner. We will not ask if he wears a mustache in order to resemble a certain German leader who rose to power in the 1930’s. We will not even imply these things. But hey, if the swastika fits …

ISU needs a president who will move us beyond a society where students get treated as individuals to where we are separated into little groups that are hostile to each other. The Outraged Student Organization is proud to be a pioneer in that direction.

After all, as I often say, “only when the future of the color of the dreams in the wind in the hearts of the eyes of the children of the peace of the struggle are warmed by triumph, will worlds in truthful transparency admit the camels of history’s purple journey.”

I believe this is the OSO’s argument in a nutshell. We have heard the arguments against us, and all those arguments are shallow.

We are right. We will prevail — by any means necessary!

And in conclusion, I am Lorena Madonna Chavez, and I really mean all this stuff. This is not just about my ego.

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Benjamin Studenski is a junior in industrial engineering from Hastings, Minnesota.