With all of the failures involving our Iowa State football team, I thought I needed to share my theories on how to turn the program around.

Theory 1: We don’t have a victory bell anymore. In the university’s mad dash to trash the old mascot, the victory bell disappeared. I think the team subconsciously realizes that even if they won a game there wouldn’t be a bell to ring. What would be the point of winning? Bring back the bell!

Theory 2: The Jacobson Building. That building is the ugliest building on campus (and that says a lot). How can we expect our football team to perform with that ugly building looming over the football field? It even bothers me in my yelling and heckling of the opposing team during games. We need a wrecking ball!

Theory 3: Jim Walden still lives in town. The old Jim-Walden-bad-luck-cloud is still lingering over Jack Trice Stadium. Call up United Van Lines and help Walden move to Iowa City.

Theory 4: We have way too many turncoat Hawk fans on campus. Our own football coach is a Hawk. I think it is a large government conspiracy involving the FBI, ATF, TCI, DPS, NCAA and CIA. We need to pressure Jischke into hiring an independent counsel to investigate the situation.

Theory 5: Move the student section behind the visitors’ bench. Three straight hours of hearing “YOU SUCK $*#@” are bound to hurt morale. Tell me Tim Dwight wouldn’t think twice about catching a pass if he had 10,000 drunk students behind him. Fear wins games.

Theory 6: Our team is too nice. When was the last time one of our players was in jail? Nebraska, Florida State and our own basketball team have two things in common. They win and they have thugs on the team. Thugs win games.

Theory 7: WHISKEY.

My parents tell me fairy tales about ugly uniforms, weird looking mascots (Cy) and winning football teams at Iowa State. The most outrageous story involves beating the Hawkeyes. I don’t know if I can even believe that! Bring back the glory of winning football. GO STATE!

Erik A. Gilbertson

Senior

Civil engineering