My, my, my, aren’t we just a tad angry? Let me apologize, and please find it in your hearts to forgive me.

Yes, I am stupid, fat and ugly. I have never left the state of Iowa in my entire life. I can’t even read. My father is also my brother and my ex-boyfriend is a sheep.

I can’t help being narrow-minded and uneducated from having a brain so damaged from inhaling B.O. and patchouli. I was lashing out without provocation.

But you must understand how inadequate I feel when I stare at my abundant collection of Hanson and New Kids on the Block merchandise. I realize I could never be so wonderful as to hope that I might possibly one day score a bootleg, preferably 2-16-77 — the one recorded at Burlington, Ohio — and feel the tasty tunes of a band that preaches love, peace and bad hygiene.

But since I suck in so many words, I must therefore content myself with a gallon of ice cream and a battery operated device that I dare not mention for fear of further ridicule. I have no friends, only my dog, my big dog (my landlord doesn’t allow sheep). So please don’t hurt me. I learned my lesson, and I’ll never try to fit in again.

Kelli L. Kenniker

Junior

Zoology and english