If there is one thing in this world that I cannot stand, it’s fans who turn on each other.

After playing the very successful Together Fest on Saturday, I found time to haul my butt over to Welch Ave. to catch the end of the Cyclone game.

My plans were to simply toss an Icehouse back, watch some ball and be merry.

Well, my plans were spoiled. I watched as many of those so-called Cyclone fans cheered as long as we were in the game, but were quick to turn away as soon as the ‘Clones were down.

Look, I understand that this year’s football team isn’t what it was promised to be. But we can’t ever give up hope. We have been the underdog for so long that I’ve come to like that role. Either you’re in or you’re out. Either you’re a Cyclone fan or you’re not.

So I look forward to the Iowa game. I know that we’re a long shot, but I have a plan.

It goes something like this.

First: Upon entering the game, the entire student body must do the elephant gallop.

That’s right fellas, lick the thumb. Get pumped up for this one. Get liquored quicker if you know what I mean. Get down like Jimmy Pop Ali.

Second: Bring your lover to the game and sit in the student section. Every time Iowa has the ball, distract them by making a little love. I mean get down.

They don’t have enough handcuffs to arrest all of you. Get naked and consecrate your physical bond upon the steps of Jack Trice. God won’t mind. He wants you all to make love. I want you all to make love. In fact, I want to make love to all of you.

If DPS and the powers that run Iowa State University won’t let you have sex in the stands, then they are making a stand against freedom or expressing the truest beauty in life.

Would we let them take away our God-given right to perform sex acts on whomever we please, when we please?

Who is to say it’s not proper to do it in public? We are the public. We can decide! Whoa, I had better relax or the Committee on Women will be on my back again.

My point is that all this commotion will distract Iowa. They won’t be able to move the ball. Always remember that the end justifies the means.

Third: Plant a daisy in your anus and let it hang out.

The Flowerbutts are the newest craze in the world of fans. You’ve heard of the coneheads, the cornheads, the cheeseheads, etc.

The flower that will hang from your butt stands for true beauty in the face of pure evil, which is truly how I view the ISU football team. They are what college football is all about, even though many may believe that they stink.

Win or lose, at the end of the game, I want to see a daisy patch in the student section. Just bend over and let them fly. This will let the world know that we still find beauty in the ISU football team, and the rest can kiss our flowered-up asses.

Now remember, please use extreme caution when placing the daisy in your anus. Help should always be provided. Safety first is what I always say.

My prediction: ISU 30, Iowa 29.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia, Iowa.