For once, I was feeling pretty cool on a Saturday night. I wasn’t sitting by myself in a local drinking establishment, nor was I waiting by the phone for calls that never come.

Oh, no. Instead, I was sitting in the Metrodome watching ISU leading, yes, LEADING the Minnesota Golden Gophers (pronouced Minnesooota Goooolden Gooophers) at the end of the third quarter. Oooh, yah ya betcha, the native Minnesotans were getting restless.

Why was I excited? Because on Friday night I had predicted the Cyclones to beat Minnesota 28-27 on KCCQ with the self-proclaimed “Dark Knight.” By the way, is it legal to give yourself a name like that?

As I sat there, unethically drinking free Coke and eating free cookies, all I could think about was earning the respect of Ames’ famous on-air personality (the DK).

I was still hurting from the fact that he called me Derrick (I’m not sure of the spelling) twice on the air, and I knew I needed to prove myself. This was my way into the Dark Knight’s heart.

Anyway, at the time, the score was 29-28 ISU. That’s pretty close to my pick, I figured. Did I seriously think we would win? Of course not. But I knew I was in desperate need of a good PR move.

If both teams pitch a shutout in the final fifteen minutes, I would look somewhat intelligent.

Well, we lived up to our promise, we didn’t score. Unfortunately we decided it was the perfect time to completely self-destruct and give up 25 points.

It was an entertaining game for three quarters, two teams trying to find new ways to give up long scoring plays.

Actually, we didn’t look for new ways, we decided that letting one man repeatedly kill us would be just fine. I have never seen one guy dominate a football game like Tutu “Fast Fast for Us Us” Atwell did against us.

For some unknown reason we just kept kicking it to him. Why? It was like a broken record. We would kick, he would catch, he would run, we would miss, we would follow, he would score.

I think we made two tackles on special teams all night. And one of those was our best tackle of the season. Unfortunately, it was against our own man.

You see, football instituted the “fair catch” rule so that kick returners do not get killed by the opposing team right after they catch the ball.

However, I guess since the rule only applies to the other team, we have our punt returner call for a fair catch and we sprint down the field in an apparent attempt to “help” block for him, and proceed to smash into him, knocking him into next Tuesday.

When they showed the replay on the scoreboard, the whole crowd was laughing. That’s what we seem to be to everyone we play—a big joke.

In the pressbox before the game I heard Minnesota reporters referring to Iowa State as the “doormats of the Big 12” and asking each other “How are we nine point favorites?”

Well, they found out. And Iowa will too. I already faintly hear the sounds of the Hokey-Pokey coming from the Hawkeyes locker room.

After the game, I heard someone utter the biggest understatement ever. “We are poor fundamentally.” Really? Thank you Captain Obvious.

It was a rough weekend. We lost. My prediction didn’t come true. My name was misspoken on the air. Oh well, I’ve been called a lot worse by a lot better people.

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Drew Harris is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Peosta.