I have a confession to make. Late at night, when I’m all alone, I like to watch “Baywatch.” There. My deepest, darkest secret is out. I feel so good getting it off my chest — like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Why, you might ask, would anyone watch trash like that? Not only that, but why would anyone actually admit it to thousands of people?

Because, “Baywatch” is so bad, it’s good. From the drawn out scenes of people running on the beach in slow motion to the laughably ludicrous dialogue, I think it is absolutely hilarious, mindless fun.

The show gives me a chance to turn off my brain and not have to think for an hour. Plus, the “scenery” is nice.

Admit it. Whether it’s “Melrose Place” or “Xena: Warrior Princess,” everyone enjoys a little trash entertainment.

“Kull the Conqueror” looked like a movie with the same stupid spirit, so I went with very high expectations. I guess I should say very low expectations, because it is clearly meant to be turn-off-your-brain trash.

Unfortunately, “Kull” disappoints whichever way you look at it.

The character and place names are a problem, all sounding like diseases.

The soundtrack is also a problem. For some reason, the makers of “Kull” picked songs resembling the worst of Motley Crue as background music. It was like I was transported back to the late ’80s during my brief metal phase.

The plot is so convoluted, it is hardly worth worrying about. Here is a very brief summary:

Kull, a barbarian soldier, becomes king through an unbelievable twist of fate. “As king, he rules.” He has an aide whose main purpose seems to be wearing silly hats.

A 3,000-year-old witch (Tia Carrere) is resurrected to kill Kull, but spares his life because he’s good in bed. So he’s off to the Isle of Ice to retrieve the Breath of Valka and defeat the witch.

A fantasy film like this depends a lot on its special effects, but here, they aren’t all that special. The Isle of Ice appears to be large pieces of Styrofoam with glitter glued all over them.

Not to mention I’ve seen better masks at Target around Halloween than some of the ones the film’s creatures are wearing.

These low-grade visuals would be forgivable if this were a television show, but this is the movies. Millions of dollars went into this? It just looks so cheap.

The movie does have one good thing going for it. The title character is played by Kevin Sorbo, who as television’s Hercules, is the king of cheese.

Sorbo seems to be the only person in “Kull” who gets the idea. This is supposed to be fun, silly and cheesy. He’s having a good time, but nobody else is.

I kept expecting Sorbo to turn to the camera and wink at the audience as if to say, “just kidding.”

That is the main problem with “Kull.” It takes itself way too seriously. I think Carrere is actually trying to act. It doesn’t work too well, but she is trying.

This isn’t Shakespeare folks. It’s supposed to be Velveeta.

1 star out of five.

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Mike Milik is a senior in advertising from West Des Moines.