I don’t have anything funny to say this week. My pride is wrapped around my ankles. My heart is broken and my soul will tell you the same.

When can we win a game, God? When will it be our turn to celebrate?

I went home and hung my head in the mud. How could it be that I put all my heart and and soul into the Cyclones just to have them crushed?

I then called the fiance to vent my frustration. She’s always been a good verbal punching bag.

She asked me the question.

Why aren’t we winning?

My answer is simple: we’re not big enough.

Our hearts are as big as they can get. I guarantee that there isn’t a team in the country that tries harder to win than Iowa State.

We need some lardbutts with some quickness.

Did anybody notice the size of the the Iowa offensive and defensive lines? Where did they grow those bohemians?

Since I understand our problem so well, and I know how to gain weight for sure, I have made up an eating plan for the ‘Clones.

For breakfast: Two Icehouses, one bagel, a one-pound bag of M & M’s, two gallons of chocolate milk and a carrot to keep the eyesight healthy.

For the post-breakfast snack: Two Icehouses, an egg, a bottle of ginseng and a dirty dishrag (helps retain weight).

For the pre-lunch meal: Two scoops of sugar mixed with Hershey’s chocolate syrup, steroids, a belt buckle and two scoops of Raisin Bran.

For lunch: One tightly wound ball of yarn, a Snickers bar, tin foil, a slice of bacon, a slice of squash, a Huger Huge from Hometeam Pizza and one relatively new piece of rubber.

For the post-lunch snack: Your lover.

For the pre-dinner snack: Two Icehouses to kill the taste in your mouth, your telephone, spaghetti, macaroni, an apple and one pound of fresh bologna.

For dinner (The most important meal): Start with the living room table, dirty socks, a clean jock. This should provide enough for a platform to hold the food you’re about to consume. Next is watermelon, crackers, peanut butter, jelly, your right shoe, your television, the toilet stool and three pounds of sand.

For dessert: A glass of water. It is always very important when on a diet to drink water. It will keep your anus regular.

Now if this diet plan is followed regularly, I guarantee that all of our players will gain a dramatic amount of weight.

If this diet plan is used with a monster workout while listening to 35″ Mudder, we’ll be national champions in no time.

So to ISU, I say keep pushing on. There is light at then end of the tunnel. For one reason or another you guys have not been blessed with a win yet, but I believe that all things have a reason and a purpose.

The rest of the league is getting weak while you’re just getting started. Look at it this way: I would rather be a losing Cyclone fan than a fool who lives in Nebraska.

It’s like my father always said. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains. Peace out. Nebraska sucks.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Persia.