Barilla is coming! Barilla is coming! Well, maybe not just yet.

The Barilla company in Italy is considering Ames as a possible site for a new pasta factory. For us Italians, this is good news.

If the factory is built, a future of old country and Roman influence will come to Ames.

Wine will fill our mouths instead of beer. Jischke, as our Emperor, will order Jack Trice Stadium to be renamed Jack Trice Coliseum. Faculty and alumni will enjoy greeks engaging in gladiatorial combat and students being thrown to the lions.

Better roads will be built to connect the more remote parts of the Ames Empire. With the support of Barilla, Ames legions will advance in all directions, taking Story City, Nevada, Boone and even Des Moines.

With the best pasta in the world (aside from Grandma’s) being made in Ames, other cities will beg for our pastas, giving us tribute and sacrificing virgins for the “oh-so-good taste” of Barilla pasta. Spaghetti will be our gold, tortellini our silver and ravioli our copper as the wealth of Ames is shared equally amongst all of her residents.

After Emperor Jischke is overthrown, prosperity will spread throughout the Ames Empire.

Da Vinci’s will be dismissed as an Italian pretender. Lucullan’s will likewise be forced to capitulate as we all realize that Barilla is good pasta, real pasta, Italian pasta!

But if we are not blessed with Barilla, then it will be a time of despair.

Mothers will weep and babies will cry. The student population will join with the residents of Ames in an uprising that will last until, finally, they either get their pasta or die trying.