Well, I’m closing out on an era here at the Daily. I have four more columns left this school year to tell you how it is. Although I plan to continue my services to the Daily this summer, these last four columns are, in essence, the end for the bald one.

With the end rapidly approaching for me, my psychic vibes are vibin’. I once again have seen the future for ISU athletics.

Don’t you want to know what I’m thinking? I knew you did! Here we go.

First prediction: The Iowa State football team, compensating for the loss of Troy Davis, will go to a three-back rotation in order to replace the Heisman runner-up. Also added to the mix will be a sniper sitting in row 21, section J, seat 3. His job will be simple. Mame, cripple and shout a plethora of obscenities at the opposition.

“Losing Troy was an extreme loss for our team, but extreme measures call for extreme actions. I need a winning season, baby. My frame of thinking is just like that of Ivan Drago in Rocky IV. If they die, they die,” says ISU Head Football Coach Dan McCarney.

Second prediction: The Cyclone basketball team, led by super-coach Tim Floyd, will win the NCAA tournament in 1998. Not because it is a better team, but because it will be using the force. I have seen the future of Iowa State hoops, and his name is Lee Love. That’s right, Lee Love. The point guard/Jedi knight/model American will light the way for the ‘Clones.

“To quote Sublime,” Floyd says. “Love is what we got. I said remember that.”

Third Prediction: Iowa State will suffer a tragic loss as tailback Darrin Davis suffers a bullet wound in his leg. The police report said the gunshots came form the grassy knoll on the north corner of Jack Trice Stadium. Oddly enough, there were many reports of the gunshot coming from the jock depository room at the south end of the stadium.

“This is just one of those things that happens when you play the game of football. Every one of my players knows that when they strap those pads on, there is a chance for injury. It’s part of the game,” McCarney says.

Fourth prediction: In a daring move, the young, insensitive sports editor for the Iowa State Daily markets his own cologne, entitled: EOC (Essence of Chuck). Due to a poor marketing scheme and a lack of advertising in the bathrooms of bars, the move does not pay of for the lad, and he loses his ass in the deal. Only three bottles of the cologne are sold.

“This crap smells like a mixture or Icehouse, sweat and cigarettes. But, in a way, it makes me feel kind of sexy,” says one student who did purchase the scent.

So until next time, make phat love, drink jalapeno juice, snarl at you neighbor in the morning, make unrealistic goals, fire that chainsaw up, straighten your golf swing out, cheat on your partner, watch NASCAR (even though it sucks), drink heavily, only count your favorite lucky stars, wear stinky socks, be the guy you hate, eat junk food, sharpen the axe, lip sync Black Sabbath tunes, pattern your social habits around the life of Elmer Fudd and never, ever believe you can do anything if you set your mind to it!

We’ll talk later.

CHAD CALEK is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Persia. He is the sports editor of the Daily.