Want some cheap wisdom?

There are two kinds of people we should be wary of in this life. We should be wary of the humorless, and we should be wary of those who tell us to use common sense. Recently, we’ve had to tolerate a lot of both.

Naturally, I am referring to the responses “Birds, Bees, and Plenty of Sex” has received in the past two weeks. I have to say that I was surprised by the anger in many of the responses, but then, I should have known better. I should have known that you just can’t express views about sexuality that are outside of the mainstream without being bludgeoned by a cascade of self-righteous admonishments.

My column was meant to be humorous, but then, sometimes the best way to be serious is to tell a joke. For those of you who have wondered, I meant every word. I really am that perverted, so go hide under your beds. (Whoops! Better pick another place!)

But the responses have been amusing. I would go so far as to say they have formed a kind of comedy all their own, but it is a sad comedy we have witnessed.

It is sad because it has shown that when it comes to sex, we are free to express our views as long as they conform. Otherwise, we are sick.

But first, a couple of comments. This issue has nothing to do with disease. Condom failure rates are not in the 20 to 30 percent range as some who have been permanently banned from the statistics department would have us believe. Rather, they are in the low single digits. You are much more likely to die from going for a drive in your car than you are from having safe sex.

If you’re really that freaked out about disease, then do whatever you want, but for rational adults, the risk simply doesn’t justify abstinence.

But the truth is that the specter of disease is just an excuse. If it weren’t disease it would be something else (like purity, or responsibility, etc.). My column was a celebration of sex, and that’s the problem some of you have had with it. Why don’t you just admit it?

You know, I knew my column had two audiences. On the one hand, there was the student body, which is constantly bombarded by hypocrisy and self-righteous nonsense. I thought it could use some fresh air. On the other hand, there was you, the respondents I will loosely call the born-again. Didn’t you realize that I was talking to you?

It’s true that you can wait to have sex until you’re married. Celibacy, despite popular opinion, is not itself a difficult trick. The only reason why it’s tough for people to pull off is that it’s pointless and ridiculous.

The truth is that sex is beautiful. Don’t make qualifications about love. People are beautiful and they are sexual. They don’t need your permission to make out of sex whatever they want, and they definitely don’t need you to tell them that they are “irresponsible” or “pathetic.”

If you marry an adult, he or she will recognize that you are a human being, and that, luckily for the marriage, you have an active sexual appetite. I shudder to think of the disastrous sex lives some of you born-agains must have inside of marriage. I, for one, really get sick of having to kick God out of bed so I can be alone with a lover. It’s not much better when you have to kick out a lover’s guilt that she once touched someone else. The argument that you are reduced by past sexual experiences is moronic. You do not give a piece of yourself away every time you have sex as certain accountants of the soul would have us believe. Rather, you gain a piece of someone else. You grow richer through intimacy with others.

Our choice is not between Puritanical responsibility and perversion. Rather, our choices for sexual expression are many. Until you, the born-again, recognize this fact, you always will be unwilling comedians who satirize yourselves.

When are you people going to grow up? It is so easy to invite you into your ongoing disaster. Doesn’t that embarrass you? All anyone has to do is say “sex!” and you stumble all over yourselves to scream “irresponsible” by which you mean “pervert!” Can’t you hear our laughter?

Every time we assert our right to express ourselves sexually, we invite you to come perform for us. You never let us down. But then we shoo you off to bed and get down to the business of living.

So go on responding. I can map the dimensions of your sex lives on a postage stamp. Please, tell me about “responsibility” and “purity.” Tell me I’m going to hell, or that I’ll never have a good marriage. Tell me I’m a pervert. As I’ve said, it’s really quite amusing. Respond, won’t you?

---

Brian Johnson is a junior in English and philosophy from Amarillo, Texas.