Editor’s note: The following is a continuing journal of a fictional college student. It is intended to be a humorous and enjoyable feature about an average Joe. It runs weekly, on Fridays. Though written by Iowa State’s own Scott Jacobson, a Daily staff writer, people, places and events detailed below are not analogous to a real student.

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April 11, 1997

So there I was, waiting to get the go-ahead to register for my umpteenth semester at this glorious monument to higher education, when my advisor advises me of a little mix-up that had occurred.

It seems that my degree audit, all eight pages of it, had somehow gotten switched with a sophomore here at ISU with the same name as myself, so now there’s some youngster running around thinking that he’s acquired nearly 150 credits in three semesters of learning.

So while I’m looking forward to taking some pottery and scuba diving classes to fill my last semester, she tells me that I’m set to graduate in four short weeks.

Oh dear god.

Instantly, my entire collegiate life flashed before my eyes.

Actually, it sort of stumbled, staggered, and sprinted naked before my eyes, but either way it was pretty damn scary.

In less than a month, I have to be ready to head out into the real world and face the demons of adult life.

So many things to do, events to plan, people to call, exams to pass.

Even the one class that kept me from graduating last semester had been taken care of.

It seems that when I took Design 129 and HDFS 276 as independent study classes my sophomore year, combined them and turned in a research project on Creativity in Human Sexuality, it counted as six humanities credits and almost qualified as an honors project for me.

Who knew?

So there I was, sweating bullets, counting the minutes till graduation, knowing that one major obstacle was still ahead of me: my final and official graduation party.

Not being one to rush into any hasty decisions, I plan on going out this weekend in search of inspiration. I figure it’ll come to me at a time of divine intervention and the future will be made clear.

The sad part of graduation is that it brings closure to the college years. When I thought of that bit of profound reasoning, a tear came to my eye and I started thinking of all the things I’ve never done.

For example, I never once swam across Lake Laverne. I’ve jumped in and frolicked for a bit, but never quite made it from one bank to the other.

I’ve never stood naked in a dressing room at Victoria’s Secret and thought about who determines just exactly what extra large entails.

Another regret is that I’ve never played a song on the Campanile piano. Granted, I’ve played a note on it while on a tour with my freshman honors group, but it was by accident because I didn’t realize it was plugged in.

But I’m talking about more than just leaning on it for a second before hearing a deafening chime.

I’m talking about playing through an extended version of “Piano Man” with everyone walking to class, singing along and raising a toast to the fact that they’re alive.

I’ve also never, in my half decade of learning, taken a final exam while I was three sheets to the wind, as far as I can remember.

Speaking of final exams, I never filled in the little bubble sheets so that they spelled out the name of some big-hair 80s rock band.

I started to one time, but there weren’t enough rows to spell Enuff Z’nuff, and there were way too many just to write out Ratt.

Also, I never got a perfect zero out of 100 on a test.

I was awfully close in art history one time, but who would have thought that the sculpture actually was of the Greek god of sex and wine? Lucky guess.

However, I did take care of one of my nevers last weekend when I went to a country bar for the first time ever.

It was a pretty cool bar for having that many belt buckles and 10-gallon hats. I had a helluva good time boot scootin’ with the best of them.

Of course, I almost got my little city slicker butt kicked when I begged the band to play “The Gambler,” but that’s the price a ramblin’ man has got to pay.

With a mere month left in my life as a college student, it’s pretty obvious I’ve got a fair share of things still left on my to-do list, so I’m gonna get crackin’ on those piano lessons and pray that it warms up so I can take a swim in the lake by the light of the moon.