Vanity, thy name is man.

Women are often accused of being the vain gender. They are accused of always being concerned about their appearances, putting on lipstick while driving, getting up at 5 a.m. to get ready in time for an 8 a.m. class, etc.

Well, women haven’t cornered the market on obsessing about their appearances. Men can be vain, too. In fact, there are scientists working around the clock to cater to the male ego, and they’ve made a breakthrough.

Merck & Co., a California pharmaceutical company, announced Sunday that it had developed a pill called Propecia that may reverse the balding process.

Men in baseball caps all over the country jumped for joy. “Praise God!” they said. “I can finally be rid of the curse of male-pattern baldness!”

Then came the catch.

It turns out that among the pesky little side effects, Propecia can decrease libido (in layman’s terms, it makes you less horny) and create difficulty achieving erection.

Many of the men in hats who had been jumping sat down after hearing that part. But many of them actually started weighing hair against the ability to have sex and had trouble reaching a conclusion.

Without telling more about myself than you want to know, let me just say that I know what it’s like to have hair and I know what it’s like to have sex. This is a no-brainer for me.

The justification for this silliness is the same as for breast implants and liposuction. Sure it’s vain, but if it makes someone feel better, why not let them do it?

Because it is treating the symptom, not the disease. A bald man feels his self-worth is directly linked to his hair, so he gets Propecia. Now he is still a man who thinks his self-worth is directly linked to his hair, he just likes his hair more than before. The problem is still there.

Scientists at Merck & Co. believe Propecia may be as effective or more effective than Rogaine, which we all see hawked endlessly on television. I saw a Rogaine commercial recently in which a man describes his hair loss as “one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.”

Hair loss, the most traumatic experience of your life? I’d hate to see how this guy reacts to a real crisis, like having the ATM eat his card or a getting a flat tire. He’d probably throw himself under a bus.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Sure, it’s easy for you to make fun of baldness, Mr. Full Head of Hair, with your curly blond locks cascading over your shoulders like so much spun gold.”

Well, you probably aren’t saying that, but it is true that I have a great deal of hair. And I think I will be spared the humiliation of hair loss in years to come. I hear that the baldness gene is passed maternally. So if my understanding of genetics is correct I’ll be fine. My mother has a full head of hair, thank you very much.

My dad is reaching his mid 40s though, and he is starting to thin out a little. On his head, I mean. He’s getting thicker everywhere else.

And being somewhat of a hippy, his hair is longer than that of most men. Frankly, I don’t think there is anything that looks worse than a man who has no hair on top and long hair in back. It’s as if they think it all balances out somehow.

Men will go to great lengths and expenses to try to hide what is naturally occurring to them. I’m sure that Propecia and Rogaine probably aren’t cheap. Men grow their hair long on one side and flip it over, as if people won’t notice that’s what they did.

Toupees are just horrible. Think about it. How many really good toupees have you seen? Sure, if you’re Ted Danson or Burt Reynolds, you can afford the good stuff, but the average guy on the street ends up looking like he has a carpet sample on his head.

Just as an aside, I was at a mall in Council Bluffs this summer and was roped into participating in some survey. I only did it because this sweet old lady asked me to, and I felt sorry for her. She seemed like she was having a tough day. She said it would take 10 minutes, but it took 45. If I ever see her again, I’ll punch her in the face.

But the whole ordeal was worth it because I saw a man there who was wearing what had to be the worst rug in history. He had to be 60-years-old, and his rug was jet-black. You could see the remains of his natural gray hair sticking out from under the rug. I was afraid to be in the same room with that thing.

Bald is becoming chic now, anyway. A lot of men are shaving their heads. Why is it when one man shaves his hair off, that’s cool, but when another man loses his hair naturally, it’s considered bad?

There is nothing wrong with baldness. It is a natural occurrence. All the money men are spending on tonics, pills and rugs could be better spent on therapy. Then they may realize that their self-worth does not depend on their hair.

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Steven Martens is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Cedar Rapids.