First off, I’d like to thank Chris Miller, our very own editor in chief, for the props about the deadline on Thursday’s game against UCLA. He played a bigger role in the situation than Mike Faas or myself, and most of the praise should go to him.

Oh well, enough blowing smoke up butts, let’s now talk about the game.

The interesting thing about the UCLA matchup was that my seat was a most peculiar one. No, I’m not going to cry about where I was placed. I was indeed courtside, but I was sitting directly in front of the raging Bruin fans. And I mean all of them, including Toby Baily’s dad.

Since I had this seat, I witnessed first hand why Iowa State lost. It wasn’t the five-second call, nor the alleged “push off” by Cameron Dollar.

We lost for reasons that were concealed from the viewing audience. Since you could not have possibly seen the game through my eyes, I will now share with you the hidden reasons for our demise (pretty phat rhyme, huh?). Here we go.

First reason: The UCLA cheersquad. The luscious tan babes who strolled the courtside. Now, the Iowa State men’s basketball team was as focused as I’ve ever seen them, but let’s remember that they are human. After awhile the team lost its concentration. If I learned one thing in San Antonio, it’s that you can never underestimate the power of hooters. Not just any hooters, mind you. UCLA hooters! What you could have done with those hooters god only knows. Hell, I caught myself spending countless minutes in hooter la-la land. Of course, at any time, any one of those chicky-mamma’s could have been mine if I had wanted them. But I’m a journalist first and a dog second. I’m kind of like Luke Skywalker in the sense that I have the dark side in me, but I won’t let it run wild. Yeah, I’m like Luke.

Second reason: I think, but I’m not sure, the UCLA fans were smoking weed. Now, I have no proof, nor did I actually witness any toking of the magical herb, but I sensed it. Since I am very prophetic, you should all be sold on this idea. Think about this one. Those who toke the electric banana have a tolerance built up. ISU players would never smoke that stuff, right? In short, the Cyclones caught shotgun and couldn’t function normally. It was the weed man, I’m telling you it was the weed.

Third reason: The referees caught shotgun from the UCLA crowd as well. They called half the game higher than the Sears Tower. Granted, I’m sure it was a good time for them, but what about honesty, and fairness? We never had a shot after the half. It was toked away.

But it’s all coming together now isn’t it? You’re starting to see the whole picture, aren’t you? Low THC tolerance, plus hooters and refs who are partying like rock stars equal a Cyclone loss. It’s sad, isn’t it. It was so sad I was forced to return to the hotel and drink free beer until my bodily functions were relieved in my sleep. Yes, it hurt that bad!

But you can’t take away from the Cyclones. They’re a great bunch of guys that left it all on the court. I thank them for the memories and wish them the best. To UCLA, I want to blow your damn house up.

We’ll talk later.

CHARLES CALEK is a junior in journalism and Persia. He is the sports editor of the Daily. Yes, his real name is Charles.