If you didn’t go down to South Padre for spring break, than I am sure you at least know someone who did. Which probably means you’ve heard about the special guest performance of a certain early ’90s white rapper at the famed Padre club Charlie’s.

Yes, it’s true. The Iceman went to South Padre and played an entire show in front of 10,000 plastered college students.

So as the famous words go — “Ice is back.” But there’s one problem. There’s still that “brand new invention” part, and unfortunately, the new invention sucks.

You’re probably wondering why I am not completely pumped to see my life-long hero make a comeback. To be honest, a big part of me is ecstatic about the whole thing.

But an even bigger part is a bit concerned about the “new” Vanilla. Let me explain…

Since I was busy posing as a sports reporter for the first part of break, I was unable to make the trip down south and have had to rely on word-of-mouth reviews from my friends who saw the show.

Surprisingly enough, they had all good things to say about him. His energy and stage presence was described as “rockin’,” while his new material was supposedly pretty entertaining.

His new lyrical strategy — that’s where things start to melt. Ice, a man who wrote an entire chapter in his autobiography about abstaining from drugs, now spends 90 percent of his show singing about “the bong.”

I still can’t believe it. Is Ice a hypocrite? Did my main man lie to me and all of his other fan club members by feeding us that Mr. innocent motorcycle racer routine? He probably doesn’t even like motorcycles, he just made it all up to make himself look like some kind of multi-talented hero of the ’90s.

Or maybe he does race them, but only to make extra money to buy pot. No, it can’t be true. Vanilla would never betray the true Robert Van Winkle that we have grown to love.

Here’s my theory. It’s spring break, right, and he’s thinking “OK, except for a few of the loyals, these kids probably gave up completely on me after the Ninja Turtles 2 thing.

“So what can I do to earn back their respect? I got it. I’ll shave my head, grow a gottie and get a bunch of tattoos. Then I’ll act like a total bad ass and pretend I smoke pot.”

Well Vanilla, if you’re reading this, let me tell you — you don’t need to put on an act to earn our respect. We’re the generation that grew up to To The Extreme, and damn it, we’re not going to forget it.

No matter what cheesy film roles you took, we’re still with you all the way. And when we have kids, we’re going to pass on your music just as our parents passed on The Beatles.

So that whole tough guy act, just forget about it. Keep with the spray-painted jeans and eight-ball jacket. Wear your hair up with that blonde streak through your bangs, shave those lines in your left eye-brow and don’t ever stop spelling out all words with less than three letters.

I have heard rumors that with the big comeback, Vanilla Ice will be forever changed to just Ice. Now what kind of stupid idea is that? Look at your good friend M.C. Hammer. He tried to be just Hammer and look what happened — he became an Atlanta Falcons fan and started hanging out with Deion Sanders.

Vanilla, we don’t want to see that happen to you. We’re glad you’re back, but don’t try to be someone you’re not. When you denied Suge Knight the rights to “Ice, Ice, Baby,” everyone with an ounce of dignity in this country cracked a smile.

And now you’re falling right into his trap. I speak for the entire Iowa State campus when I say that we are anxiously anticipating your new disc. So don’t leave us disappointed and say N. O. to becoming a white version of Tupac.

“The real Vanilla Ice never does drugs. I had the attitude growing up, and still have it now, that, bottom line: I’m not gonna ruin my life.”

— Vanilla Ice from his 1991 book Ice By Ice

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Corey Moss is a sophomore in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.