I don’t want to talk about the Husker game. Anyone who attempts to speak to me about the game will get their head cracked with a very large socket wrench. Can I be any more clear?

Today I want to talk about a little thing we call change. Change is happening all around us. The seasons are changing, buildings are changing names and teams are changing players. Examples: Winter to spring, Cyclone Stadium to Jack Trice and the New Jersey Nets, etc. And I do believe for the most part that these are all good changes, even though I still have a few bones with the stadium change.

But the kind of change I want to talk about is personal change. It’s something that has overcome me. I’m now a Chad of the New World Order.

Now, you’re thinking, “What the hell is the New World Order?”

The answer is simple. I don’t know. It just sounded like a phat name to throw out there.

Anyway, I have a few ways in which we can all change for the better. Not just any kind of change. I’m talking about advanced change tied simultaneously into women and athletics. I mean, this is the kind of shit that boggles the mind. Peep this my brothers.

I feel that along with sports comes many male-based traditions. You know, the guys hanging out talking about the gals they bopped and all the amazing feats that they could have accomplished had they applied themselves in high school.

I think this needs to be altered a touch to include the women in these traditions. We first need to remember a few rules that should lay the foundation for our new change.

The first rule is that hot women are not plentiful.

Rule number two is that you must care, at least to a point, about what they say.

Rule number three is that without them we would all die.

I know these are harsh rules, but they are undeniably true.

So here are three of changes to make within your macho self.

Number one: When watching a football game with your bros, include the lady in your conversation. Don’t tell your woman to get you a beer. That’s way out of line. They are not trained animals, you know! Ask them nicely. If they say no, order them until they get the damn thing. Hey, you’re a nice guy, but you have to draw a line somewhere.

Number two: When playing backyard football, include your woman. Make her feel like one of the guys. When she gets the ball in her hands, crack her for a fifteen yard loss. She’ll know she’s one of the guys because you’ll make sure of it.

Number three: When rehashing old high school memories, include your significant other. When she starts telling stories, don’t laugh. Say something like, “Wow, that is neato!” They’ll love you for it, trust me.

I mean, how else do you explain the women swooning around me like sick vultures. Oh well, have a good day and remember to make love till the cows come home. And when they’re home, you really need to milk them.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Persia. He is the sports editor of the Daily.