Just moments ago I returned home after a journey to the local grocery store. Prominently displayed on the end of an aisle I discovered a summit of Mountain Dew, on sale in the Star Wars special edition twelve pack box. Naturally I grabbed two as they were on sale, but I soon realized that the implications of my purchase were much further reaching than I could have anticipated.

With one swift intergalactic advertising move, PepsiCo bought out the Empire. Of course, there are several benefits to this action. Tattoine Pizza Hut, Fritos on the Death Star and border runs on Hoth. However, this move makes it nearly impossible for your average storm trooper to get a Mello Yello anywhere.

You might laugh at this notion, but it strikes home here at lowa State. As a GSB member was so kind as to point out a month or two ago, Pepsi products are no where to be found on the lowa State campus. You have to walk all the way across the entire street to find a Mountain Dew.

To me the solution is obvious. Send the GSB to Endor. No, that’s not just to get them off of the planet, it has far more benefits than that. A transgalactic carbonated beverage smuggling ring could be established. I can think of a particular member whose campaigning skills would make them the ideal candidate for the job. Both the Empire and ISU would become beverage utopias.

lowa State doesn’t have the facilities for this plan? We have a gigantic central campus that would make an excellent space port. This space port would not only bring in the liquid gold Mountain Dew, alien merchants would add to the cultural diversity of ISU.

I personally can’t think of a group more knowledgeable about diversity than the GSB. A space port would also bring the GSB a lot of money, granting the means to give money to many more groups and then ask for it back. First and foremost though, it would give the GSB something to do, so it won’t have to manufacture its own controversies.

Granted, this plan has little chance of being implemented. To play it safe, vote for people on the good side of the Force, not for those who belong in a galaxy far, far away.

Erik Hoversten

Sophomore

Mathematics