Have you ever seen the movie Airplane!? If you have, you’ll no doubt remember the two black men speaking jive. These men needed Barbara Billingsley (a.k.a. Mrs. Cleaver from “Leave it to Beaver”) to translate to the rest of the crew. It was one of the most hilarious scenes in the movie.

In the Oakland school district, administrators now want life to imitate fiction. Unfortunately, it’s not a joke, and the consequences are saddening. The policy of “Ebonics” is taking root there, and doesn’t show immediate signs of withering away.

The concept of Ebonics begins with the realization that black English is a legitimate second language. Instead of students being told their grammar is incorrect, their “language” is translated to regular English.

The problem is the verification of black English as a dialect. The American Speech, Language, and Hearing Association classifies it as a legitimate social dialect. This classification includes all the grammatical errors associated with it. Now statements like, “he ain’t here, he on up in that car,” are now a rightful part of the English language.

This is complete stupidity. A dialect is simply a different sound of a language. American English and British English are two different dialects. These dialects however, have correct grammatical structure, with proper subject/predicate and noun/verb relationships. I have never heard of any spoken dialect that is not grammatically correct. Black English is not even close to meeting those requirements.

Where do this association and the Oakland School District get the audacity to recognize a grossly incorrect way of speech? This speech pattern (I refuse to call it a dialect) has no proper structure at all. With use of words like ain’t (there’s a word you can use to impress your friends).

I guess the elitist, pompous, pretentious academicians in Oakland know better. The minds of these children are slowly being destroyed. Do they really think these kids will be able to learn English knowing that Ebonics is now a second language? Does this mean we really will have to translate between English and jive?

Even NAACP Chairman Kweisi Mfume has lambasted this program, saying it insults the intelligence of black students in the inner city. I totally agree. The teachers of Oakland have given up on their students. They apparently haven’t done a very good job of teaching proper English to their students, so now they use the second language ploy as a cop-out.

If black students in the inner city are going to have a fair shot when going to college or getting a job, it certainly will not be through Ebonics. To teach these students that “jive” is a right way to communicate insults their intelligence in the most basal way. The message sent by these administrators is that black students cannot succeed unless the playing field is lowered to their level. What a terrible and hopeless message that is.

I suppose this means that students graduating from Oakland wanting to attend lowa State will have to pass through the Intensive English program for foreign students. After all, English is not their first language, Ebonics is. Those students should prepare to take English 101 just like all the other foreign students who don’t speak English as their first language.

Well, I’m not surprised that Oakland already has one of the worst school districts in the nation. This certainly will not improve it. It’s no wonder why our schools are the laughing stock of the industrialized world. There are 10th graders in Japan who speak better English than most graduating seniors here in America. Does the Oakland School District think Ebonics can improve that statistic?

The administrators at schools nationwide (don’t think Oakland is the only place) are continually replacing practical, time-tested methods with oddball, highly questionable practices. Remember “new math” and “outcome-based education?” This downward spiral into neural oblivion is only being hastened by Ebonics.

I wrote in an article last semester that educational administrators would be the death knell for our once-proud public school system. They make it so easy to prove my point. Where will this lunacy end? When will parents and students shout “Enough!”?

Expectations of students continue to decline as the salaries of superintendents and their cronies continue to rise. Though many of these people make in excess of $100,000 to $200,000 a year, their students cannot point out the United States on a map, nor can they tell who the first president was. Ask many students what 46 percent of 100 is and you will get a lot of blank stares.

Though we can’t teach them reading, writing, or arithmetic, we can teach them Ebonics and new math. We can’t teach them history, but we can revise it to prevent anyone from being offended. We won’t allow a moment of silence for private prayer, but we will force feed material to students that they find immoral.

Does anyone see a trend here? We are approaching a precipice in our society that we may not be able to avoid. Americans are getting less and less intelligent and the public schools are showing no ability to deal with it. We have a crisis on our hands, and Ebonics will only deepen that crisis.

Let’s compare the public school system with an infant. Feed a baby lots of junk food devoid of any nutritional value and what do you get? Dirty diapers. Feed that same baby nutrient-rich food with lots of vitamins. You’ll get a baby that will grow to become a healthy strong person.

We are filling our children’s heads full of ideas devoid of any educational value. Those ideas build morons, and unfortunately some of them are on our school boards. We need to go back to the ideas that worked for years but were thrown away. In short: The diapers are piling up. It’s time to start using the formula again.

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Robert Zeis is a senior in finance from Des Moines.