I’m back for what will be my final semester at the Daily. That’s right. I will retire to the world of working journalists until the day when I get my big record deal. So basically, I will just retire to the world of journalism.

But remember, in this day and age retirement can be a long and drawn out process, just as Ozzy Osborne or Magic Johnson. So for those of you who enjoy my weekly journalistic soap operas, this will be a farewell semester.

For those of you who hate me and would rather browse over a catalog sporting high-tech hunting equipment for the pursuit of wild yack than read my column, you need to pull yourselves from the depths of nerdhood and work your hardest to become one of the beautiful people. Just like me!

Anyway, I would like to reflect back on certain events that transpired over break that I feel are of high importance.

Events that changed the face of ISU as we know it. Events so shocking that time seem to stand still while the cows continued to chew their cud. Events that turned night to day and rain into cup cakes.

Well, at least I think they were important.

So here are my top five occurrences over break.

Number one: Kenny Pratt was all over the media again. It’s kind of a recurring incident isn’t it? This whole Pratt thing should be made into a movie.

First the false sexual harassment charges, then the Dean’s List assault incident and now the movie would get better.

Add a car crash, charges of assaulting cops and a little of Uncle Joe’s cough medicine. And through it all, Pratt has time to grab 15 points and seven rebounds. Right on, man. Right on.

Number two: Troy Davis says adios to pursue a career in professional football. And speaking of this, there is no truth to the Chris Miller-spread rumor that I would marry Davis if I could.

For the record, I have no physical attraction to Davis, nor do I wish to pursue a platonic or emotional relationship with the Heisman runner-up. I simply admire his football abilities. I love women. Amen.

Number three: The Iowa State men’s basketball team dropped a heartbreaker to Marquette at home. I watched but I could not believe. I had no choice but to perform my Calek-esque postgame loss ritual. I got trashed and wet my bed. It is sort of an immature act.

I understand this. But sometimes you are pushed into a corner with no way out. That was one of those times.

Number four: I received new underoos from Santa Claus himself. On these underoos was none other than Cy. Cy is in my pants ladies and gentlemen.

Number five: Former ISU basketball player David “Foul Man” Hickman was charged with shoplifting and kicked off the Idaho State basketball team. Unlucky for him. Had he not chosen to transfer from ISU, he could have quickly appealed the charges and hell, he’d be scoring 15 points and grabbing seven rebounds in no time. Ooooow!

There you go. Some vintage Calek for you face.

We’ll talk later.

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Chad Calek is a senior from Persia, Iowa. He is the sports editor of the Daily.