Graduation is almost here. You’ve planned and worked, and now you’re off to find your glory.

A rewarding, challenging, incredibly high-paying job. A hot car. The coolest apartment in the coolest part of town.

And when you’ve cured cancer, computerized the world, written a best-seller, and blinded Wall Street with your razzle-dazzle, you’ll settle down and raise that family.

Not even counting faculty and staff, there are many students on campus who already have kids. All of you can quit laughing now.

For those who have and haven’t started a family, I have compiled a little primer on parenthood — some hints, some tips, some things your mother never told you, some things you may have forgotten, and maybe some things that may remind you of your parents.

Ideally, parenthood is begun after a few major necessities are taken care of, the first being procurement of a good education. Well, that’s what we’re doing here, right? Of course, you must understand that the knowledge you acquire can only be used in the workplace, or here at school. At home, you’ll know nothing. Normally, however, you won’t be informed of this for a few years.

Next, you will need more money than you will ever make. Since bank robbing has a really poor advancement plan, you are better off getting a job and going broke like the rest of us.

Not to worry, though, you have a degree. You’re part of the American dream; you’re one of the lucky ones — a four-year degree almost guarantees you a job at McDonald’s. Consider yourself fortunate, McDonald’s won’t even look at a two-year degree anymore.

Last, but not least, have a child. If you find yourself in the middle of parenthood with no children, you need to find a good counselor for your significant other.

Okay, you have an education, a job, and children. What now?

One of the first things most parents miss is the fine print on the birth certificate. This fine print covers everything you can’t figure out later about parenting. Don’t worry if you missed it, you couldn’t have read it anyway; it’s written in Klingon.

Being able to read the fine print doesn’t matter, because this isn’t a contract or lease situation anyway. A contract or lease situation implies that there are stipulations and obligations that will be fulfilled in both directions. Hah! Not in this lifetime. Don’t even get your hopes up.

Here are a few other hints that seem to help:

You will receive well-meaning gifts. Throw away all the cookbooks directed at nutrition, and if you’re tempted to buy some yourself, don’t. Nobody eats that stuff anyway. Save the money from the groceries — you’ll need it for Ninja Turtles, Barbie dolls, and pediatricians.

Forget about privacy. If you don’t expect it, you won’t be disappointed.

It’s a good idea to take a lover. Husbands or wives do nicely in this capacity. Set up a motel budget.

The best baby-sitters come from correctional facilities. They don’t scare so easy, and will work for less cash. Of course, a safe or lockbox will be required for personal possessions.

Encourage Grandparental Quality Time. It’s not only intellectually stimulating for the children, but it also serves as great revenge for every rotten thing your parents ever did to you. Don’t hesitate to use guilt as a weapon — grandparents are used to it.

Hire a maid. You could make your children help with chores, but not only will everything take two hours longer to do, it will probably only result in many hours of therapy later — for them — at your expense. The key is to remember that your parents tried this too. Look briefly in mirror.

Encourage as many extracurricular activities as possible. It clears the afternoons for trysts with your lover, or therapist, or both. You’ll need to hire a chauffeur or join a car pool that operates on the barter system. Barter with money.

Start a budget for your children’s college educations, then double it. You’ll need the extra for the children’s therapy, because everything will be your fault. Shop around until you find one with a payment plan.

Save all old toys. When the kids are grown, have a rummage sale. You’ll be able to recoup at least 1% of the original thousands laid out, unless you purchased non-turnover items — like educational toys. Save some toys, though, to use at your house. You’ll be a grandparent soon, and kids love breaking antique toys.

So, parenthood can be a scary, traumatic experience for both parent and child. Well, mostly parent.

Much of the trauma can be avoided, however, if you remember what really works — meaning all of the above, of course, and a few more — read your horoscope, take a deep breath, have a cup of coffee and don’t worry, be happy.

For those about to depart college life, and journey forth into the vast unknown, ready, set,… Graduate.

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Audrae Jones is a senior in English from Clear Lake