If you ever had any doubt that we are a truly consumer society, come take a look at my new office chair.

This baby’s cool. Real cool. It’s got to be. The gospel on the promo flyer says so. “The 6300 Series Task Chair was engineered to provide smooth, easy comfort adjustments through a range of nearly infinite motions. Comfort, functionality and productivity across a wide range of applications — that’s the 6300 Series Task Chair at work for you.”

Oh yeah. My chair is working for me.

I haven’t quite figured out how to work the “lumbar” feature on my Hon Sensible Seating 6300 Series Task Chair just yet. Give me some time. It’s only been about two months. But I’m so flattered that those who sign my pay check thought so highly of me that they purchased the latest in seating technology, I just may take the time to fiddle with it.

Damn I wish I knew what a “lumbar” was.

Webster said it’s an adjective referring to “of or near the loins.” I didn’t think chairs had loins. That kind of scares me.

But even if my chair doesn’t have loins, and the verdict’s still out on that one, you won’t believe all the other cool stuff it’s got. I’ll describe. For this I’ll have to abandon my favorite new toy in favor of one of its primitive ancestors — the four-legged kind with a straight hard back. It’s like comparing Star Trek’s Data to a blender. I’ll survive.

Anyway, it swivels. This I like ’cause I’ve always enjoyed spinning round and round until you’re so dizzy that when you stand up you walk into the wall and think it’s your brother George. It’s good comic relief for Daily writers to see the editor bouncing around the office without control of his motor functions.

And it’s a great way to pick up chicks. “No. I’m not forward. I’m just dizzy dumb from playing in my chair.” Works every time.

It’s got rollers. This I like ’cause I’m lazy. Meetings down the hall? No problem. I’m only a swift push by a sports writer away. I normally manage to get in a few spins on the way, too.

And it’s great for races. If you happen by Hamilton Hall late at night, steer clear of the raceway in front of the Daily. I’m the reigning Iowa State Daily/McHub/Coca-Cola/Silly Putty/Hertz Rental Car Superduper Sensible Seating 6300 Series Task Chair Race champion. Last night I clocked a new record getting to the water fountain. Damn I’m fast.

It’s got a back that folds horizontal. Ditto on the reason “I like ’cause” thing. If I get a little tired, all I have to do is flip the conversion switch on my hide-a-bed chair.

It’s got a tilt lever. This I don’t like ’cause the first time I played with my new chair I didn’t know what the lever did. What it did was plant my face in the floor. It’s got a little too much kick, so I just leave that lever alone.

It’s got a vertical adjustment lever. This I like ’cause if I take it all the way up, I feel important.

It’s good to feel important. And if I take it all the way down, I’m low enough that people can’t see me in my office. This is good for those select few crazy readers who wander into the office with a beef. Mmmmm. Beef.

It’s got a “back height knob.” I’m not sure if I like this ’cause I’ve been trying to turn the thing for the better part of two months and this baby ain’t moving. I’m thinking about calling the Sensible Seating 6300 Series Task Chair Hotline. But then I’d have to admit the knob’s gotten the better of me. Tough decision.

It’s got a “pneumatic” lever. If there’s anyone out there who knows what this does, or even what “pneumatic” means, please call me.

It’s got a “tension knob.” This I’ve learned to like. I didn’t know what the tension knob did at first, but about a month ago I spent the better part of an hour crouched over in my chair twisting the tension knob and I felt surprisingly relieved when I was done.

This was a genius invention by the people at Hon.

And the best part about my new chair? It came with software.

I kid you not. A chair — my chair — came with an instructional demo disk that fills you in about all the ins and outs of the Sensible Seating 6300 Series Task Chair. It’s an interactive demonstration, I’m told. I couldn’t get it to work, though, ’cause it’s made for IBMs. So I just keep the disk out where people who visit me can see it. That way they know I’m cool enough to have a chair with a floppy disk. Mmmmm. Floppy disks.

Gotta go. The lumbar’s acting up.

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Chris Miller is a senior in journalism and mass communication from Marshalltown. He is editor in chief of the Daily.