“I’m not meant to be happy.”

“Every time I allowed myself to feel, I felt so terrible that I hated it.”

“I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, yet I couldn’t sleep at night.”

“I felt so hopeless, and all I wanted was to disappear.”

These are the feelings of Christen Grimsley, 18, an Iowa State freshman in child and family services. For the past two years, Grimsley has been struggling with a disease that has filled her life with feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that have made each day a constant battle, feelings that eventually led to attempted suicide. Only recently and with much support has she been able to deal with her illness and regain control of her life.

An illness misunderstood

Those affected by depression can describe what they go through, but for some, the idea that someone cannot overcome these feelings or deal with a problem is hard to accept.

For Grimsley, it was no different, her mother told her that she had “better just snap out of it.”

Grimsley replied, “Don’t you think if I could just snap out of it, I would have done it years ago?” She added that if she could have, she would have avoided a lot of hurt and been able to enjoy her high school years.

Reality is, however, that depression is a serious medical illness that causes persistent changes in a person’s mood, behavior and feelings which interfere and disrupt the lives of those who have it. It is not merely “feeling blue” or “being in a bad mood.”

According to the National Mental Health Association, studies show that 15 percent of people with severe clinical depression will die of suicide.

There are two basic types of depression: bipolar disorder, or manic depression, and unipolar depression, or nonbipolar depression. Those who experience bipolar disorder have low periods scattered with feelings of depression, guilt, sadness and hopelessness alternating with high periods where they feel increased energy and invulnerability which lead them to act impulsively. Those who have unipolar depression experience reoccurring low periods without the highs.

Causes of depression

Whatever you call it, depression is a disease that affects millions of people worldwide. In the United States alone more than 20 million people will experience an affective disorder sometime in their life, reported the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill.

Although no one knows the definite cause, there are several theories of why depression occurs.

Trauma events such as prolonged stress, loss of a loved one and divorce are causes of depression. Other theories attribute depression to genetics, chemical imbalances and physiological reasons such as shorter daylight hours.

Chemical imbalances are caused by irregular chemical interactions within the brain that influence a person’s energy level, mood, sleep habits, appetite and sexual activity.

Symptoms and diagnosis

In order to keep the diagnosis of depression consistent, psychiatrists consult the Diagnostics and Statistics Manual (DSM-IV) which lists the symptoms or criteria for affective disorders. If five or more of the listed symptoms are present each day over a two-week period, depression is a possible diagnosis.

Symptoms are being depressed or irritable most of the day, having diminished interest or pleasure in usual activities, changes in weight or appetite, changes in sleeping patterns, inability to concentrate or remember, fatigue or loss of energy, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, and thought of suicide or death.

Clifford Barta, clinical supervisor at Mary Greeley Medical Center, said that in order to diagnose depression the “prestandard symptoms” in DSM-IV are always consulted.

Grimsley’s symptoms

Grimsley thought that she was not meant to be happy, had trouble sleeping, and felt hopeless.

“I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, yet I couldn’t sleep at night. All I wanted was to disappear,” she said. Suicide was on her mind. Her first attempt came in December of 1995 when “things took a turn for the worse.”

She had jumped in her car and began driving. Before she knew it, she had reached Lincoln, Neb., which was three and a half hours away with no recollection of how she had gotten there. Realizing what she had done, she turned for home where she planned to take her life.

“I wrote a letter to everyone telling them I was sorry about what I was about to do and poems telling them good-bye,” Grimsley said.

Her first attempt did not go any farther. At that point she drove past her church and her pastor was there. She stopped and together they decided that she needed counseling.

Treatment

After a patient is diagnosed, the psychiatrist must decide which treatment to use.

The type of treatment used “depends on the person, but the first thing to do is find the most important needs,” Barta explained. “For some, it’s medication … Referral to medication helps with the mood so they can do other things in therapy to help problems.”

For others, therapy alone is sufficient in helping the patient recover. For some, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), more commonly known as “shock therapy,” must be used.

Grimsley’s treatment and attempted suicide

Grimsley, after being treated with psychotherapy still had the same feelings of depression.

“I went back to living the same life I was before, except this time I had a new counselor, so I got a second opinion and was put on medication,” Grimsley said. The medication prescribed was Zoloft.

“I took that medication religiously until March of 1996. It made me tired all the time, and I hated it,” Grimsley said.

In April she was switched to Prozac which helped, but she then experienced mood swings until July.

It was then that Grimsley felt she could no longer live with depression.

“In July I took 20 Prozac. The intent was there, I didn’t care if I lived or died, and if I could have chosen, I would have died. I don’t know why …” she recalled.

Grimsley’s life was not taken because Prozac is not deadly if it is taken as an overdose. Now she realizes how lucky she is because she is beginning begun to deal with and overcome her depression.

“When you have depression you let yourself believe you’re a victim. I realized that it was up to me to either let myself be victimized or to victimize the depression,” Grimsley said.

Help is offered at the Medical Social Services at Mary Greeley Medical Center: 239-2011. Other assistance can be found at the ISU Student Counseling Services: 294-5056, the ISU Student Health Services: 294-5801, and the Assault Care Center Extending Shelter and Support (ACCESS): 1-800-203-3488.