It’s been a whole week now since the big bash in Little Rock, and I know I told you all that they would be gone if you would go vote, but I forgot one important thing.

This country is not run by a benevolent government, or the corporations, or the rich. It is run by the Department of Redundancy Department.

This department provides many important things for the newscasters, poll-guppies, and political analysts to do.

Political pundits aren’t quite finished reviewing, and then congratulating themselves on, their brilliant predictions and comments during the campaign. And then they will have to review the reviews for integral connections between original reviews, forecasts and conclusions.

Those who pay little attention to these things may not realize what crucial discussions and considerations will also be coming next.

Now that Hillary and Tipper are ensconced again, what will they do in place of vying for the best chocolate-chip cookie recipe?

Yes, the big question now is (insert drum-roll here): What will they wear this time? As you know, coronations, I mean inaugurations, are tricky. You can’t wear just any old thing; choices must be selected, contemplated, and approved. Even the die-hard news reporters will cover it.

Women’s magazines will then run articles in their next issues either commending the choices or condemning them. America will read these articles, talk about these choices, and pooh-pooh them or applaud them.

In addition to reviewing and fashion monitoring, and now that we know for sure who is going to be where for the next few years, those who know can begin discussing all the different promises.

Theories will be formulated on whether the elected will or won’t do this or that, and even then, will their plans and policies work? Were others better? Didn’t we already cover all this?

Of course we have, but evidently it is important that we continue to understand why or why not a candidate made it.

We may not have thoroughly understood why any of us voted the way we did — or didn’t. We may not have caught the jargon as it was being pitched, or why any one particular policy or promise would have made any sense to the American public.

No worries, though. I will help you sort it out, so you can play Nintendo (or study) until well after January 20, 1997. I don’t make what the big boys make for this, but that’s because — try as I might — I’m just not as long-winded as they are, so it stands to reason…

To be fair, we have to admit that it takes certain skills to run the government.

For example, the elected may have to take care of a budget. Will the Clintons do better with the budget? I think so, and I’ll tell you why. The Clintons know what a budget really is — Budget: A method for going broke methodically — how hard can that be?

Politicians go to college to learn what diplomacy is. You know, the art of saying “Nice doggie…” until you can find a rock.

Accomplished political figures know that if at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.

There is a special comfort in knowing that, while none of them has a solution, they do admire the problem.

We all know politicians are masters at looking out for number one. It’s just too bad they can’t avoid number two — they keep stepping in it, and slinging it.

As new scandals take their places with the old, remember that our system of government proves that when one synchronized swimmer drowns, they don’t all have to.

Finally, let’s not forget that first ladies have taken extensive classes on accessorizing for success, not to mention knowing when to wear linen and when to wear wool.

Do you see why they get paid the big bucks? Isn’t that clearer than the rhetoric on CNN? If we pare this all down to their real skills, we can get on to bigger, more important questions — those relevant to all college students.

Questions like: Why is abbreviation such a long word? And, where does the white go when the snow melts?

Here’s a thought to remember: A conclusion is simply the place you were when you got tired of thinking.

---

Audrae Jones is a senior in English from Clear Lake.