There is a pathetic little guide flying off bookstore shelves the past few months leading women to think by following idiotic guidelines they will find true happiness.

No, I am not talking about “The Joy of Cooking.”

I am going to tell you about “The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right,” which is the absolutely worst self-help book that I have ever read.

By becoming gullible enough to ascribe to even the stupidest rules that women must follow before “settling down” with that special guy, I found it to be a very disturbing example in relationship formation. It doesn’t give any encouragement for building healthy romantic relationships.

“The Rules” simply offers guidance on how to enter into an unhealthy relationship. Since this is a gender-neutral column, “The Rules” can be equally applied to men. I will give a digest of “The Rules” so you can save your $5.99 and avoid fighting the bookstore crowds. It consists of 35 specific “rules” for women to find true happiness. Without further introduction, here they are:

1. Be a “Creature Unlike Any Other.” (Meaning: be extremely self-absorbed.)

2. Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance). (Meaning: be very passive in his presence.)

3. Don’t Stare at Men or Talk Too Much. (Meaning: men are the only ones who are allowed to look. A bummer since women also need to have male “distractions,” too.)

4. Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date. (Meaning: he must always pay for everything even if funding sources are low because it would be considered bad taste for a woman (regardless of income) to offer any financial payment.)

5. Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls. (Meaning: don’t ever expect a phone call from him.)

6. Always End Phone Calls First. (Meaning: once a spoiled brat always a spoiled brat!)

7. Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date after Wednesday. (Meaning: Inflexibility.)

8. Fill Up Your Time before the Date. (Meaning: obsession about the DATE.)

9. How to Act on Dates one, two and three. (Meaning: watch lots and lots of “Love Connection.”)

10. How to Act on Dates four through Commitment Time. (Meaning: surviving through DATES one through three without finding any noticeable flaws from him.)

11. Always End the Date First. (Meaning: if the man is totally miserable with you, he cannot end it.)

12. Stop Dating Him if He Doesn’t Buy You a Romantic Gift for Your Birthday or Valentine’s Day. (Meaning: get Me A Gift (GMAG) or Else!)

13. Don’t See Him More than Once or Twice a Week. (Meaning: avoidance is definitely golden.)

14. No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date. (Meaning: it is usually broken anyway.)

15. Don’t Rush into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy. (Meaning: if it happens it happens.)

16. Don’t Tell Him What to Do. (Meaning: YOU have to tolerate HIS negative behavior BUT HE does not have to tolerate YOUR behavior.)

17. Let Him Take the Lead. (Meaning: he dominates, you blindly follow.)

18. Don’t Expect a Man to Change or Try to Change Him. (Meaning: compromising yourself to please him at your expense.)

19. Don’t Open Up Too Fast. (Meaning: hiding everything.)

20. Be Honest but Mysterious. (meaning: play games and lie your way through the entire date).

21. Accentuate the Positive and Other “Rules” for Personal Ads. (Meaning: Lie, Lie, Lie.)

22. Don’t Live with a Man (or Leave Your Things in His Apartment). (Meaning: don’t get too comfortable as living together is considered a horrible sin in “The Rules” because “shacking up” can actually save lots of grief if the relationship doesn’t lead into marriage.)

23. Don’t Date a Married Man. (Meaning: he wants to get caught with someone who isn’t his wife.)

24. Slowly Involve Him in Your Family and Other “Rules” for Women with Children. (Meaning: He is going to be your “new” Dad but he isn’t obligated to introduce you and your children as his “new” family.)

25. Practice, Practice, Practice! (or, Getting Good at “The Rules”). (Meaning: act immature.)

26. Even if You’re Engaged or Married, You Still Need “The Rules.” (Meaning: still act stupid but stupider.)

27. Do “The Rules,” Even when Your Friends and Parents Think It’s Nuts. (Meaning: ignore them and follow these silly “Rules” anyway.)

28. Be Smart and Other “Rules” for Dating in High School. (Meaning: perpetuating negative romantic relationships at a young age.)

29. Taking Care of Yourself and Other “Rules” for Dating in College. (Meaning: see #28.)

30. Next! and Other “Rules” for Dealing with Rejection. (Meaning: he finally wised up and decides dumps you!)

31. Don’t Discuss “The Rules” with Your Therapist. (Meaning: see # 19, read any of Barbara DeAngelis’ books, and bond with your therapist.)

32. Don’t Break “The Rules.” (Meaning: buy into this garbage without exceptions.)

33. Do “The Rules” and You’ll Live Happily Ever After! (Meaning: follow, follow, and then some … .)

34. Love Only those Who Love You. (Meaning: remain self-centered at all times.)

35. Be Easy to Live With. (Meaning: be a doormat.)

Thirty-five examples of game-playing over direct honesty.

So do the following for the next two weeks:

1. Save your $5.99.

2. Break “The Rules.”

3. Enjoy Thanksgiving Break!

4. See you in December.

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Adrian DeVore is a senior in food science from Newark. She has a B.A. in English from Rutgers University (Douglass College).