So, was it good for you?

Of course, I mean your first week back to the academic grind.

Aside from trying to get into the rhythm, academic that is, I was wondering if it was National Sex Week last week and nobody told me.

Is it too late to warn you that this text may contain the word ‘sex’?

In the interest of social comfort I am rating this column (and last week) — “RW” — for Really Weird.

And I thought Rhetorical Analysis was going to be hard.

Last week… The sixth-grade students at Sawyer Elementary, and for all we know, all elementary schools in Ames, needed article clippings for their classes.

Also last week…

Summer Ackerman, and probably coeds at 11 other universities, signed autographs on their Playboy photos.

Also last week…

The AMA and EPA released statements disclosing statistics and concerns regarding men’s magazines:

The AMA revealed for the first time ever that clinical visits by men suffering from irritations and allergic reactions afflicting palm tissues are higher in number than any other group making appointments (including football physicals).

The only comparable set of appointments made were for eye exams. (Ta-da-bump. Where’s my drummer when I need him?)

The AMA also stated that they are looking into a possible connection between symptoms of patients and the chemicals used to treat paper to achieve that glossy, slippery effect that so enhances char-broiled burgers and female anatomy.

Also, paper cuts remain a concern.

The EPA is disturbed about population explosions in animal groups (like rats and mice) that inhabit areas with high concentrations of men’s magazines (like dump sites — because that’s where wives and girlfriends consign them).

Author’s note: I think they are full of it on this one. Everybody knows that these materials never make it from the can to the dump.

Just kidding, and no offense intended, Mr. Most Honorable and Noble Sanitation Worker.

The EPA would like to see that these materials are:

A) no longer produced. Or,

B) disposed of in plain, brown wrappers. Or,

C) distributed equitably with refuse collected from Birth-Right receptacles.

Also last week… The Playboy College Sex Survey came out and confirmed that sex IS as popular as we all thought it was. (And that, yes, everybody else is doing it, and everybody else is getting more than you are.)

Also last week…

The Ames City Council decided they needed to create an ordinance against lap-dancing.

The council was urged by Police Chief Dennis Ballantine, who in turn was perhaps stimulated, oh I’m sorry, I mean prompted, by community wives and girlfriends, who don’t want their husbands and boyfriends participating in prostitution or coming home with VD all over the front of their pants (can it travel that way? Hmm… ).

As I understand it, the customers aren’t disrobing. That would be a totally different ordinance, wouldn’t it?

Also last week…

The organization of God-fearing Americans against Mini-Skirts (G.A.M.S.) released findings from their study of men and mini-skirts stating that there are not only men who like mini-skirts, but there are some men who really, REALLY like mini-skirts, which causes any number of unpleasant side effects for these men and their communities.

One such side effects is uncontrollable muscle spasms that make the men ‘appear’ to be drooling, howling, and whistling at anyone in mini-skirts.

If these manifestations occur at a workplace the subjects may consequently suffer job loss caused by completely ignorant employers and co-workers who have mistaken this behavior for sexual harassment.

Therefore, mini-skirts ought to be outlawed as soon as the city council can convene.

It is possible that these findings may encourage penalties against wearers of mini-skirts as well.

Also last week… Sherry Rowlands began steps toward a career change and ‘went public’ to begin collection of what I guess could be called her severance pay.

Which, in turn, prompted Dick Morris to feel that now would be a good time to spend some time on the home front.

Some example of employee loyalty, isn’t it? (Neither of them appear to be shining examples…)

There must be section in the Universal Employee Handbook (addressing how to use timing and planning for profit and pleasure) that Sherry Rowlands knew about, and Dick Morris didn’t.

I wonder that he didn’t see this coming. Of course, I also wonder if he worked nights on drafts of President Clinton’s “family values” agenda.

If he did, he should be able to deduct part of the hourly rate; that’s how expense accounts work, right?

So, because every good citizen should keep a-‘breast’ of current events, and because the sixth-grade teacher said so, we clipped from our local excuse, I mean version, of a ‘big’ paper — The Des Moines Register.

We clipped from our version of a local paper — the Ames Daily Tribune.

And we clipped from our revered and illuminating college paper (sorry, must kiss-up to the editor when I can) — the Iowa State Daily.

I didn’t know that so many worthy and stimulating questions and conversations can arise from trying to be informed, or educated.

Some of my favorites (and some not-so-favorite favorites);

“What do lap-dancers wear?” (No mini-skirts, I hope.)

“I wonder what they charge for that.”

“‘Summer’ sure is a pretty name for a girl, isn’t it honey?”

“What’s lap-dancing, Mom?”

“See babe, a G-string and pasties IS fully-clothed.”

“Hey, girlfriend — Can we wear pasties to the pool?” (I told her I thought so, as long as we didn’t sit in anyone’s lap.)

“Nice bike, huh?”

“There’s a motorcycle in that picture?”

“What did Sherry Rowlands get paid $200 an hour to do?” (For $200 she’d better paint the garage and tune up the Ford.)

Now, before lawyers around the globe get their briefs in knot, start rustling papers and start preparing to waste perfectly good tax-dollars, I am unequivocally stating that I was just kidding about the AMA and EPA thing. I made that up (those reports won’t be out until next year). Also, G.A.M.S. doesn’t exist. (Does it?)

And, truthfully, there was only one question: “Why are there so many holes in the paper, Mom?” What a week, huh?

Audrae Jones is a senior in English from Clear Lake.