I’m back for another year to speak to those of you who read columns with the intention of a good laugh at the expense of others.

So how do we get a good start to an athletic year that looks more promising than any other in recent memory?

But the future holds more than you might believe. As you know from last year, I have an extreme psychic ability.

Yes, it’s true. God gave me this freaky gift to see the future. I’ve already used it this summer, but I’ve gathered up enough psychic mustard to give you all a little more in-depth look at things to come. So here we go.

First prediction: Troy Davis, on September 7, goes head-to-head with Wyoming linebacker Kalim Underwood. The crowd is left in awe after Davis runs completely through him.

I don’t mean that he shook a tackle. I mean Davis literally runs through Underwood, leaving a hole where a man used to be.

Second prediction: Dan McCarney says after the game in an excited but professional manner, “It’s like this. If he didn’t want none, he could have stepped out of the way. Butter, baby! Troy Davis is pure butter.”

Third prediction: Darren Davis, following in brother Troy’s footsteps, joins Troy as a Heisman finalist, becoming the first brothers to achieve such a feat.

When Darren receives the trophy, Troy lashes out in a furious manner. “That’s it. Get on your feet, pal. I want to see how tough you are. I’ll give you one shot at me. I’ll close my eyes and you take your best shot,” Troy says as he taunts brother Darren.

Darren responds with a stiff right hand that knocks Troy straight the hell out.

Fourth prediction: Offensive lineman Tim Kohn and Pat Augafa, thought by the nation to be two of the meanest linemen in the Big 12, decline their shot at a future NFL career to take up leisure time reading of romance novels and poetry.

“So much violence, so little love,” says Kohn. “Come on people. Smile and join hands everybody. Get to love one another.”

Augafa feels the same way.

Fifth prediction: Security will be doubled at this year’s Nebraska-ISU contest in attempts to crack down on “Oswald-like” attempts on Cyclone athletes (you never can trust those Huskers).

Sixth prediction: Some wacky liberal columnist who sports a head of no hair and a chin of fuzz is attacked in the bathroom at Jack Trice field.

The columnist, who was later identified as Chad Calek, fought his way through six unidentified men dressed as Herby Husker before the seventh Herby did him in. McCarney says after the game, “That Calek sure has a heart of gold. I swear, as long as I live, I will hunt every Herby I see down and give each and every one of them a shot to the head that they will not soon forget. You hear that, Herby? I’m coming for you! I know where you live and I’ve seen where you sleep!”

So there you have it. It’s good to have you back.

We’ll talk later.

Chad Calek is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Persia. He is the assistant sports editor of the Daily.