What on God’s green earth is going on? Could it be that the “Dream Team” almost took a butt kickin’ at the hands of the college all-stars of the under 22 league. You bet, baby.

So what is the problem you may ask? Yep, you guessed it. I have all the answers.

We’ll start from the beginning. The personnel was all wrong. For instance, why was George Murisan not on the Dream Team? Somebody messed up by letting him slip by, and I may be wrong, but I heard that somebody is now scouting eighth-graders for the Northern Idaho Junior High League.

The problem with the Dream Team is that they are all too pretty. There are no mean and nasty mugs on the team. Hence, no fear in opponents’ eyes.

That’s where my knowledge comes in. Here’s my Dream Team. Tell me this lineup wouldn’t be enough to scare Satan.

We’ve already begun with George “Roger Waters” Murisan. Then let’s move on to the point guard position. How could you ever deny Sam “The Alien” Cassell — a mug so ugly that even his own mother would say, “Damn Sammy, you ate the ugly tree.”

Then we move on to Jason “Silly rabbit, Trix are for” Kidd. The “Pale Warrior” as I like to call him. A face so strange that the elephant man himself would back down.

Now we’ll bring in Derek “The Rat” Harper — a face tough enough to scare off “Ming The Merciless.”

Could we have possibly left out Shawn “Powder” Bradley as another big (kind of) man in the middle? Get some sun, Shawn.

So that’s my starting five. “The Ugly Sink,” as I like to call them.

Think to yourself, honestly, whether or not you would cringe if you saw that angry group of five coming down a court with a destination that lies slightly behind you. I think you would probably move, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just me. No, I’m right, you would be scared.

That’s half the battle, right? The intimidation of the fight. You know, the stare-down is what turns the stomach of those who have doubt.

But the circle is not yet complete. We need a coach of colossal ugliness to lead this team of flea-bitten animals. We need a figure so frightening that the Boogie Man himself would hide in the closet just to escape the thought of coming eye to eye with such a monster.

My team needs, you guessed it, Randall “Tex” Cobb. The man of men. So what if he knows nothing about the sport. He didn’t know how to box either, but he competed. He may have taken a beating, but he competed. Besides, how much does an NBA coach coach anyway? I mean, I think the players at that level pretty much know what to do.

If all of this sounds like a big bowl of crap to you, look at it this way. We’re almost losing right now. It’s time for a change. That lineup and head coach will scare the opponent into immanent loss.

We’ll talk later.