Brainlock.

Absolute, total brainlock.

It’s that time of year, when projects and tests swamp us all and coherent thought becomes difficult.

Just how difficult? While cleaning a load of papers from my desk Tuesday, I apparently tossed my notebook for the back half of the semester. Goodbye, finals grades.

I’ve gone into full retreat mode, locking the door to the bunker and weathering the barrage of finals week artillery, as my professors fire everything from the infamous comprehensive final to the hated final paper. And I have to admit — I’m tired.

All I really want to do is sleep, watch “MST3K” and “Beavis” and “SportsCenter,” at least when champion smartass Keith Olbermann is on.

But even though I am worn out and thoroughly zonked, I have one final task for the Daily : this column, the last new, regularly-written one of the year.

And as befits a final column for the year, I will look back at events — as I see them, of course.

It’s been a long, long school year, but an interesting one, to say the least. After looking back at events, I feel that a little recognition for the people and events that made my job as a columnist a little easier is in order.

I didn’t write on every one of these topics – occasionally, other columnists or contributors hit them – but each one did provide me with a little more bile and general irritation. And so, I present my own year-end special awards.

THE BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD AWARD FOR PUBLIC STUPIDITY: This one goes to Bob Dole and Newt Gingrich for their combined performance during the government shutdown.

Apparently, the infamous House Republican freshmen, the gang elected in ’94, were the ones who pushed for no compromises on the budget.

But Bob and Newt should take the blame for the shutdown mess back in December; after all, they lead all those new reps, and they should have kept the troops in line. They are both feeling it right in the opinion poll as a result.

But what really gets them this award is Newt’s screaming-brat tirade about not getting to sit up front in Air Force One during the return flight from the Rabin funeral.

Shut up Newt, you child. Clinton and his people attended a difficult and emotional event, and had Middle East events to deal with.

Sit in the back and deal with it. And Bob just stood there and allowed Newt to whine on about how he was slighted. Mature, fellas. Very mature.

THE “MONEY TALKS” GRAND PRIZE: Again, the Congress is the winner here. The passage of the incredibly stupid Telecommunications Act, which was written primarily by lobbyists from the industry, proves once and for all that this country is ruled by tall cash. It’s not as if there was any doubt about that before the bill passed, but if anyone needed a wake-up call, this was it.

THE CORPORATE INCOMPETENCE TROPHY: Apple Computers may be the all-time winner in this category.

I love the Mac, and the Mac OS is still the champ for usability and productivity, but it is beyond me how a company that produces such spectacular hardware and good software can make business decisions that a chimp could recognize as bad.

Apple took a $700 million loss last quarter, all the result of stupid management and a lack of focus. But I got a new PowerMac at a great price since they’re moving inventory at fire-sale prices, so it isn’t all bad.

THE GUTS IN FILMMAKING PLAQUE: This one goes to New Line Pictures and director David Fincher for the great Seven.

Finally, a tough, unflinching film with an unhappy ending! It ruled!

It was great fun to see this movie in a theater full of Brad Pitt-gawking girls, only to see them mildly traumatized by the sheer ugliness of the film.

THE KENTUCKY JURY PRIZE FOR ILLITERATE WRITING: It goes to me, for my first few columns. After looking them over later in the year, they appear to have been written by the banjo player from Deliverance.

Any copies you find should be treated a hazardous waste, and for your own safety don’t read them without eye protection.

Well , my JLMC 202 multisource is calling me, so I really must go and do some actual work. It should be an interesting summer, as I am moving back to Louisville, Ky. along with my folks to help renovate my grandparents’ old house.

One summer in Hillbillyland should get me pretty fired up for the fall — expect some seriously pissed-off writing come September. Y’all have a good summer now, y’hear?

Kevin S. Kirby is a senior in journalism mass communication from Louisville. He has a B.A. in political science from the University of Wyoming.