Veishea is upon us again and this year’s theme is “Continuing Iowa’s Heritage.”

This theme has been chosen to emphasize the Sesquicentennial of the great state of Ioway.

Events have been planned that reflect this theme, including the “150th Year Boulevard,” “Meskwaki on Stage,” and the variety of Iowa bands playing on the terrace of the Memorial Union overlooking the deep green hue of beautiful Lake Laverne, ISU’s food coloring project.

So several of you out there may be thinking about getting in on the theme. You may be thinking about doing what all great Iowa State students think about only in their best of parties.

You may be thinking if that girl in the third row is wearing a wonderbra, or are those real?

It happened in ’88. It happened in ’92. Now it’s ’96 and, like the Olympics, it happens every four years. It might be time for the third Veishea Riots—after all, it would be continuing Iowa’s heritage.

I wasn’t going to write about the riots for fear of being arrested, but I had so many people come up to me and ask, “Where can I buy some tear gas?” that I, as a voice for the student population, had to say something about it.

By the way, I wouldn’t have anything to do with tear gas. It’s awful stuff. Pepper spray works much better.

This year, party hosts who plan to incite a riot will have to watch out for the party nazis.

These party nazis are the university’s way of taking Veishea, which is supposed to unite students, and pitting them against each other. The old divide and conquer trick.

The party nazis, who even wear red and black nazi T-shirts, will come around to parties and check for trouble.

If they find a problem, they will ask the host to remedy it, and then the party nazis (not Nazi parties) will return later to see if everything is kosher.

The Ames Police will pork, er, I mean beef up its force to avoid having any of its nice new cop cars turned over.

So with this in mind, the conscientious Veishea Riot-goer may be wondering what are they rioting about this year.

No need to worry. I have devised the “Top Ten Reasons to Riot during Veishea ’96” list: (Drumroll, please.)

10. The university is not consistent with its policy of diversity; the pop machines only offer Coke products.

9. Ames cops arrested assistant sports editor Chad Calek for not paying a parking ticket in January.

8. Students won’t be able to charge books and supplies at University Book Store starting July 1.

7. Student Death Center—need I say more?

6. Students get ripped off by shitty book return prices at the end of the semester.

5. To make police earn their money.

4. Because you think that Tim Frerking guy is full of shit.

3. There was no big name band for Music Fest.

2. There’s nothing better to do while waiting in lines outside of bars for three hours.

1. Just to piss off President Martin Jischke!

Besides, in ’88 Johnny Orr and Jim Walden had to come down and ask the crowd to disperse. Students needs to find out if Tim Floyd and Dan McCarney have that same ability. It’s like basketball and football coach initiation. They’re not really Iowa State coaches until they’ve calmed a Veishea Riot.

Perhaps instead of leaving the rioting to independent student organizers, the university could have the student-run Veishea organization organize the rioting.

Yes, organized rioting! It can be like the Olympics, and we could call it the Veishea Riotic Games. This would be the Riotiad III.

We’d have separate student teams from fraternities, sororities, dorms, colleges, off-campus people, student clubs, and even a team from the Daily. We could let faculty be judges and referees.

These would be extreme sports so ESPN and MTV would show up. Events would include:

Cop Car Rolling—which team can roll a cop car down Welch Avenue the fastest.

Couch Burning—which team’s couch can be burnt to a crisp the fastest without using flammable liquids. Players would be given only childproof lighters and copies of The Campus Reader.

Goal Post Removal—an event inspired by the football team’s win over mighty Ohio University. Teams would see who can remove the posts and carry them down Lincoln Way to Lake Laverne the quickest.

Beer Bottle Throwing—an individual event. Players must see who can chug a beer and then try to hit a target at 50 feet that has a picture of Marvin Pomerantz on it. This is like horseshoes because close does count.

Light Pole Climbing—must be the fastest to climb a light pole. After touching the light, players must dive off and be caught safely by their team below.

Tear Gas Event—boundaries will be set around Welch Avenue with police tape. All teams must stay within boundaries. Then the Ames Police will tear gas the entire area. The team with the last person standing will win.

Of course, at the end of the events students will be given speeches by the football and basketball coaches, so that they can mellow out and go to see a big name band like Pearl Jam at Music Fest—which will be the largest concert event in Iowa with an Amesapalooza of local bands opening like The Nadas, Lunchbox, Seasons Calling, Tina and the B-Sides, and Junk Poet.

And there would be a MacDonald’s right in the middle of the concert field.

Hey, it could happen.

Tim Frerking is only joking you silly fool!