So summer is just around the corner and you can’t wait to get out of class. So how are you going to spend your summer? Are you going to do the usual “lounge until I’m assumed dead” thing, or are you going to do the “I’m going to run the fat right off my body because I look like crap” thing? Neither? Then you must be planning on a vacation, which is exactly what my plans are.

Can you guess which city I will bless with my overbearing joy? That’s right. Cub Town, here I come. Chicago baby! Where the freaks live and the Pumpkins originated. Where Harry is always drunk, but then again, so is everyone else.

I have to say I’m not a big fan of what I call the “downtown bum rush,” but I do love Wrigley field, which brings me to my column topic of conversation.

No, this column won’t be about my favorite team (CUBS! CUBS! CUBS!), but it will be about my psychic predictions for the upcoming baseball season.

But before I go there, let’s just discuss the short lived “fan punishment” of baseball. Last year, attendance was down because all the fans were upset at those “greedy little pukes.” Well, they were upset until the Indians started whoopin’ ass.

My point is if you protested baseball last year then stick to your silly guns. Stay out of the ballparks this year too! Baseball doesn’t need ya! Fair-weather is weak. Baseball in itself is much like your favorite team. It has ups and downs, and if you’re not there for both, then don’t be there at all.

Whoa, had to air that one out. Now let’s get to my psychic predictions for the 1996 season. You didn’t know I was psychic? Oooh yea. Runs in the family.

First Prediction: CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! CUBS WIN! The Cubs will win the series. Of course I’m serious!

Second Prediction: Mark Grace will win the batting title. A nice little 10-17 early going should aid his chances.

Third Prediction: The Padres will suck again. Poor San Diego. Why did God choose you guys to suck, huh?

Fourth Prediction: On the 53rd game of the season, at the stroke of nine, the world as we know it will come to an end.

Fifth Prediction: My fourth prediction won’t come true.

Sixth Prediction: Halle Barry will leave David Justice for me. Oh yea!

Seventh Prediction: Justice is gonna be very pissed off.

Eighth Prediction: Pedro Cerrono and Willie “Mays” Hays will be traded to make room for promising minor leaguers.

Ninth Prediction: Ya-Ya, Benny “The Rocket” and Michael “Squints” Poladorus will once again team up to win the sandlot league.

Tenth Prediction: If you build it … it cost a lot of money and you could lose your farm.

Eleventh Prediction: If they do come, nobody else will be able to see ’em, so what’s the damn point?

Twelfth Prediction: “Nuke” LaLushe will be breathing out of the correct eye lid.

Thirteenth Prediction: Upon completion of his spring training with Yoda, Luke will join the Toledo Mudhens to test his newly acquired skills.

Fourteenth Prediction: You’re giggling to yourself.

Fifteenth Prediction: Michael Jordan will not play baseball at the completion of the NBA season.

There you go. I did my best to let you know what this year’s baseball season will be like. Take heed young Skywalkers! I have spoken. We’ll talk later.

Chad Calek is a junior in journalism from Persia, Iowa. He is the assistant sports editor of the Daily.